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13-03-2005, 10:14 PM | #1 |
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Anal Archives Present...........
This was posted back in June 2004. I'm reposting it for the newbies, because I still think it's bloody funny, but I can't remember where I got it from. Enjoy.........
INEXPERIENCED CHILLI TASTER Notes from an inexperienced chilli taster named Frank, who was visiting Texas from Boston: "Recently I was honoured to be selected as a judge at a chilli cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment, and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chilli wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted". "Here are the scorecards from the event:" Chilli # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chilli JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick. JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavour. Very mild. FRANK: Holy ****, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy. Chilli # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chilli JUDGE ONE: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang. JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavour, needs more peppers to be taken seriously. FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich manoeuvre. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face. Chilli # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chilli JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chilli! Great kick. Needs more beans. JUDGE TWO: A bean less chilli, a bit salty, good use of red peppers. FRANK: Call the EPA; I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now; get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting ****-faced from all the beer. Chilli # 4: Bubba's Black Magic JUDGE ONE: Black bean chilli with almost no spice. Disappointing. JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chilli. FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it, is it possible to burnout taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills; that 300 lb. bitch is starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear-waste I'm eating. Is chilli an aphrodisiac? Last edited by Didge; 14-03-2005 at 05:24 AM.. |
14-03-2005, 05:26 AM | #2 |
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Continued............
Chilli # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover
JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chilli. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive. JUDGE TWO: Chilli using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement. FRANK: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead, and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted, and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chilli had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off? It really ****es me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks! Chilli # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chilli. Good balance of spice and peppers. JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb. FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric inferno flames. I pooped myself when I farted, and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Sally; she must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone! Chilli # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chilli JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chilli with too much reliance on canned peppers. JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chilli peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably. FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a damn thing. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chilli, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like poop to match my damn shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the freaking 4 inch hole in my stomach. Last edited by Didge; 14-03-2005 at 07:44 AM.. |
14-03-2005, 10:58 AM | #3 |
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anyone ever come across Dave's Insanity sauce?
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14-03-2005, 12:28 PM | #4 |
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Glad you posted this up again Didge - I missed it first time :lol: :lol: :lol:
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14-03-2005, 12:35 PM | #5 | |
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Quote:
That was back in the days of yore when i would stay up late. Now i content myself with tabasco, which in my opinion is by far the nicest tasting of all of the chili sauces out there (if not necessarily the hottest) |
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14-03-2005, 12:41 PM | #6 |
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whats going on here!? is this the sauce forum? well!? are you all still reeling from the fact that top trumps didnt do a pepper sauce set!? like nothing more than to neck a few scotch bonnets as a boozy game!? first we had monsters, then planes and now this....
Alex. ps Encona for me, it's the soul brother of sauce and the papaya has mellow tones. |
14-03-2005, 12:46 PM | #7 | |
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Encona?, schmencona!
Quote:
If it were alcohol it would be meths. Crude stuff. |
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14-03-2005, 12:53 PM | #8 |
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hey dont knock meths!
In all honesty I used to be a pepper sauce nut, I lived in Hackney, I had wonderfull afro-caribean friends, we would all gather round, talk about "jah", Babylon (and ting) eat salt fish, jiggle about to shakka demus and pliers.....but then one day I said enough of this hot bottom nonsense....I'm off the hot stuff for the time being. Although a Bloody Mary is naked without a hot flash of Tabasco.
Alex, knocking back the meths. |
14-03-2005, 01:08 PM | #9 |
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yerbs in a bloody mary - replace the tabasco with freshly grated horseraddish.
the aussies call a virgin mary - "A bloddy shame" |
14-03-2005, 01:37 PM | #10 |
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lip smackers
that sounds real good! I am a bit of a wasbi type chap too.
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14-03-2005, 01:54 PM | #11 |
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my local pub used to do the best Bloody Mary's Ive every tasted: ingredients are:
Tomato Juice Celery Salt Sea Salt Black Pepper Worcestershire Sauce Lime Juice - just a squeeze splash - dry sherry freshly grated horseraddish oh and a blue vodka, or 2 |
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