Tooth extraction (costs & prices)

[Richard_S]

Evening Squire, trust you enjoyed Slough (the unfortunate resting place of all Ponies whether wonky or not) and made good time (remind me to record for you one of those self-help cassettes ref speed filtering). Set fire to the wheels earlier (and the dustbin) but despite my slight razor related faux-pas last night I had a OK day in modern metropolis.

In order to offset any recourse ref the aforementioned tease I will add that a very burly gentleman on a honda of some type (a beautiful mind / higher things type moment) initiated a conversation with me, at the lights of all places, regarding my buttocks and a distinct dressing to the right thereof. It appears that your eyes are straight after all - congratulations etc - and as one who welcomes a second opinion I promptly put on a serious face and threw down my stabilisers.

Seriously though, I will be video recording my self at the earliest opportunity (probably some time after I have found reason to use the milk in the fridge) with a view to nipping any lop-sided-ness well and truly in the bud. For those of you think I’m a c**t I obviously did thank the man. It’s all about just going right ahead and saying it (write that man a letter etc, it’s a good thing) and a courteous comment is always listened to at the very least.

I have taken the liberty of buffing both hats (I am VERY thankful for the straw fabricated additions) and despite my current state of comatose I can generally tick all of the boxes in the specified colour. Neil politely reminded me to return his tools as I swung my leg over and you will undoubtedly be relieved to hear that I eventually found the blunt nose hobos under the rug (phewff etc - he would NOT have been happy and given that he already less than pleased with his wheelbarrow there could have been murders).

Yours with a very Sweet Illusion (he does do it very well etc) xx

ps I spoke to Nobby moments ago and despite having a beautifully uplifting start to his Saturday he went on to have more than one date related issue. During the excitement and high jinking antics with our good selves he forgot to close the shields in his VTEC Passat WRX Sti-Ite V9p XXL etc and after the ensuing downpour he arrived with a very very very wet bottom. It is not about making small talk with Polish people whilst sitting in your pants.

pps Stopped by at 7th street to lift some of those purple counter treats (this is my turf etc) and you were right (again) ; it was like French kissing a girl made of chocolate. You may have found a solution.

ppps I am John Belusi tonight. He may be a c**t but it goes down well with the big boned Bavarian types (leave Boris out of this).

pppps no girls allowed.

pppps its written in a language that’s meant to f**k you up. Sunday shoes with Saturday feet etc

ppppps just so you that know man is definitely omnivorous. Im seen the tacos.

pppppps We should make the effort to create a set of pure wooden ski's at some point - who knows we too may remember all 60 of his bitches personally. (four-legged ones etc IMO etc)

Charlotte is just fine btw. (I love my monster etc etc)

Ciao

Oh and I expect decent rates when it comes to the expo at Ricchies Crib x

[A Yerbury]

Slough was given a big fat berth due to those damn communists, laser guided vision is a boon and whilst my filtering is very much above par it was all just "far too early in the day" I threw the cheekiest left to Maidenhead/High Wycombe (It's not about knowing exactly where they are after all) and the deed was done in higzactly 2 hours 8 minutes....oh and the orange light came on after 166??!! someone up there must like me, either that or it's all a big fat lie...in that case ignorance is bliss I say.

stabilisers? I threw away my bellypan earlier after doing lots of OIL related stuff, less is more this season and the whole get up was starting to get a bit "ohhh, just hide that bit under the carpet" Just spoke to dictator for life/benevolent leader of the Yerbury posse, he has been fiddling with the calipers on the big cat and suggested we do a BOGOF re: swarfega. Crazy man.

Mrs Jennings has just strolled in with a few sheets of A4, she has requested I do a google for "Noonans Syndrome" and "Blast Mycosis" at least now I have the green to go with regards autopsy jpegs and "hot-rash A & E Bitches.com" don't worry, I'm a doctor.....No, I'm Spartacus.

If anyone can pull off pants (no children not that way) it's our Nobby now he is playing the kicking people game again, more power to his knees and elbows.

Coco.xxx

ps.Halfords fully synth was knocked down to 17.89 (don't ask) had to make two trips as whilst I am always up for an up the jumper manoeuvre 5 whole English litres was not gonna happen no matter how many times I clicked my ruby slippers.

pps.Mod or not, I would, several times.

ppps.this thread will self destruct after two pages, I am a busy boy these days.

pppps.Just had dinner, then I had a cigarette, then I downloaded a few songs, I am about to have a wee. I'll keep you posted china.

[Nonnie]

Boys boys boys you do make me laugh. The crazy world of Arthur and Brown, man on fire etc.

So pleased you asked about my weekend. Saturday, 2 punters in groups of 2. Mr and Mrs Portugese (hehehehehe hi loving hit) who I'm not sure understood "This is the kitchen". They left. I am sure I was out of their price range or perhaps it was the steeds. Then along Miss Bubbly and her best friend. I liked them. A lot. I explained the trains out back were just a way of knowing that really when everything is going a bit wrong, you can just sit there in the beautifully landscaped grounds and know that Life is still carrying on without you, regardless. She put in an offer. I declined but have hope there is more to come. Today. I extended my search for the des res with room for Hector. Oh that man were soooo nice. I have thought of putting in a silly offer with provision for him to still reside there. Perhaps in the loft that I have already extended in my mind.

Average speed Sunday was 18 miles an hour. Even I was bored and I like a pootle but only a pootle with room to extend. The Jaguars were nice though and I found out what Police motorcyclists carry in their panniers which was great.

Keep safe. It's a jungle out there.

Yours with the imaginary pygmy goat just waiting in the sidelines

xx

[Richard_S]

If you're being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire. They're trained for that.

Yours with some surprising shifts in plates and their tectonics x

[Nonnie]

I've only gawn and bleedin done it

Must have been the koala

xx

[A Yerbury]

Nice one Sebastian, I should get stuck into this house lark if only to show strangers my bedroom, in fact scratch that silly idea as it already happens (alas all to infrequently although now I am back on the weights and voodoo dollies that may change soon, bits crossed) Back being a photographer today, unlike Paul I have'nt lost the magic hoo bloody ra, it's only poncy italian bathroom equipment but it's a big g5 mac set up and a step back in the right direction, this time next year it will be gangly beauties (again) oh yes.

Yours dreaming of peace in the valley.
Ongowa!

Buttons.xxx

ps.If one is pursued by slavering bloodhounds simply traverse a brook/swamp (Sellers I believe you have some tips here too no?)

pps.Blastmycosis is the name of my new band.

[Richard_S]

I always thought of photography as a naughty thing to do -- that was one of my favourite things about it, and when I first did it, I felt very perverse.

- Diane Arbus

Bad name, right idea. You will no doubt come to miss Nobby and the gang (maybe a few visits would ease the blow) but I say its all good. In fact its not all good but it could be worse.

Yours with more than one question and a general quandary x

ps I am not wired at all tonight etc

pps To manipulate an image is to control a people - avorio tiles are but the beginning.

ppps Koala themed congratulation for Miss.Gecko x

pppps I still intend to get some milk out of Hector ; no excuses.

[A Yerbury]

I think my perverse buttons are set "always on" by default? Cauldron tumble whilst a youngster probably. The gang? Are you planning suicide or New -bloody- Zealand? I shall of course miss Norbert when he offs to the land of fine engines and shouty birds, we are just getting that three muskateer thing going after all....still, he is a wanted man and I've done a few disapears myself.

Yours in rehab.

HellyHandsomeDevil.xxxx

ps.I work with a very voluptuous woman...path of excess / palace of wisdomand all that.

[Richard_S]

your Nobby not mine/his/ours!

I dunno, a day at work and it all goes gooey up there. Perhaps to avoid further confusion we should add the 'snr / jnr ' prefixes?

yours shaded the colour of Nimbus x

ps suicide temporarily postponed - its bath night after all.

[A Yerbury]

I may go the same route, then again tomorrow is the first day of more of the same, welcome home loser..

MetalMickey.xxx

ps.suffix surely?

pps.the eyeballs are tickety dee.

[Richard_S]

We could do a film, 'the three fire-fighters of Venice' (catchy title huh), and then retire to the Bahamas.
Either that or we could just fight some fires. How hard can it be?
In fact I can answer that - I put a whole one out earlier all by myself (it takes a man etc) and I have no doubt that I could carry off the headgear wearing / jumpsuit thing with little sweat (did you see what I did there?).

Yours without anything useful x

ps pritstick surely?

pps You have no idea how right you are - it all happens on page 192.

[A Yerbury]

Only if I can drive "ooh what a big hose etc."

Yours with diesel and nitrate fertiliser (I do hope no one's listening, may you live in interesting times and all that)

The backdraft kid.xxx

ps.no more nails surely?

pps.no more about things in trees I promise.

[Little Monster]

ps suicide temporarily postponed - its bath night after all.

Good decision - Tuesday doesn't feel like a suicide day for some reason.....although, baths are a common site for the same. I see you as more the dramatic type, driving a fast car off a cliff perhaps. (Don't ever do that by the way, can you imagine how bad I'd feel for posting that!!!) :eek:

Congrats Nonnie.

LM xxx

ps - I was going to bid RIP to beef jerky but craigmac scuppered me by posting on it.

[A Yerbury]

I plan to drive a very fast car into a bath, is this mundane? ironic rock n roll exit more like.Alex please dont do this! imagine how bad I would feel.

Sylvia.xxx

ps.Just kidding! IMO suicide is a serious business and best performed only by consenting adults and/or attractive artist types with decent back catalogues of (critically acclaimed) music and/or literature.............. :bunny:

[A Yerbury]

re:the oil situation, I think it may be a switch problem? as I saw some bare wire earlier just sort of "hanging about" you know the kind, don't worry I'll investigate further next playtime. Mrs Jennings has just referred to the D-Day landings hero chappie as "b&stard features" alas 32 Mathon Rd is not replete with trap doors or those bookcase/rotating dungeon entry points.

Have a pleasant evenings bang bus, my trial period is over so perhaps you can forward your username? just kidding IMO.

Yours with an aversion to unsalted pasta.

Alice in wonderbra land.xxx

ps.no monsters spotted but I did see an incredibly pretty girl with a colgate smile that could usher in a new world order and huge bazookas.

pps.perhaps we could go quids in on "funny bones" bagsie the spleen and spare rib.

ppps.have we hit 2 pages yet? zoinks etc..

[steviej]

...............is this the second chapter of 'Beef Jerky', 'cos if it is.............



...........there's a 'umongous left footed aracdid carry in' 'r' Stibb off to the corner 'is little eye's 'r' gliss nin in the darkness waitin' for the Lancashire Regiment to CHARGE a F**Kin' fortune...................


..................oh well.........little mice are doin' the rounds in me swede, so's I can't focus.
Joseph Holt!! it's his fault..........damn good stuff to boot. At least I'll be sat on me own tomorrow at weir'k, as Liverpudlians would say...............


Well then, toodle pip..........good night..........goede nacht...........gute Nacht.........buona notte........доброй ночи...............ZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz zz :p

[slob]

Is it my imagination, or has Rock Freebase swapped his stetson for a beard?

Mao Tse Tung said change must come... but not with Photoshop.

[A Yerbury]

Is it my imagination, or has Rock Freebase swapped his stetson for a beard?

Mao Tse Tung said change must come... but not with Photoshop.


what on earth is he on about folks?! he's as bad as that Yerbs and Richard!......well spotted dear boy, points awarded.

The Rev.xxx

ps.there's a lot of it about....

[Little Monster]

and there was me thinking yerbington was actually 6 foot 5

[A Yerbury]

only on a warm day.

[Richard_S]

had my timetable through and apparently its now official. herecometh the tease of the brain and the use for the mind.

yours with some fluffy kittens (teachers pet etc) and a date with the outside world x

ps never mind the length, feel the width etc

[A Yerbury]

I have some fluffy stationary to lighten the Kant/Nietze days?....I did have the pencil case to match but my rollerballs came unstuck leaving the entire item somewhat soiled. The eyeballs work perfectly though.

Yours with 3 d's and a c.

Bigbird.xxx

ps.todays show brought to you by the letter Zymol.

[Richard_S]

thank you for you kind words, a trip to woollies has been pencilled in (hey hey hey) and stationary should pose no significant problem. We have a meet and greet laced with wine of the mould variety too at the end of this month (welcome aboard Sir etc) which just leaves a spot of good old fashioned effort and some lateral thinking. The staple of any bad man with a general plan.

Yours half dressed, a quarter cut and playing with my elongated pipe x

[Little Monster]

:p

Don't be forgetting your satchel :bunny:

Do you get a freshers week?

ooh, oooh, oooooooh - you get a NUS card. Not sure it'll get you any discounts on Ferraris or cowboy attire though :(

[A Yerbury]

threshers week surely? NUS ID may kick back some of that 120 smackers a month travel card PM nonsense....


Yours with mr stay puft and brigand doom.

Elliot.xxx

ps.we don't need no educashun...well, maybe a bit.

[Richard_S]

Well after last night I am looking forward to spending my Friday nights knee deep in literature and pain. Highlight came when I was asked "are you ok", to which I replied, "well, I haven't been shot in the head yet".
It is not about people generally, add cheap wine and a lack of decorum and shazam, you have the scourge of the earth.

Here’s sticking several on the three staff members who nearly felt the full wrath of a very dangerous man. You are all a bunch of Expletives.

yours turning my nose up to Saturday nights 'on it' with the 'in crowd' x

ps before the start of the obligatory ballads of heartbreaking lament I am off to riverside studios later for a double bill featuring both The Interrogation and The Escape from the Liberty Cinema. Its all about Polish Solidarity apparently.

pps with regards education I do have a couple of aces up my sleeve (always like to give a little something back) and Prof.Grayling (bless his cotton ones) has had more than one surprise already.

ppps Nice thinking ref kicking the man and his tube firmly in the balls. I will make an enquiry and possibly even a controversial placard. We don't f**k about etc.

[A Yerbury]

I am still in my dressing gown at the pm stage (this is the sabbath apres tout) about to floss then I think we shall go to the pub. Beard currently at 11! will keep posted.

Yours with all the trimmings.

Roland.xxx

ps.Timothy Taylor does in no way help one unlock the 959 or the f40.
pps.the black keys, rather good.
ppps.guitar bloke in the lamb bashing out dixie blue grass also rather good (his beard was in the late teens!)
pppps....wouldnt mind getting my own beard into some late teens yawn etc etc..

[Little Monster]

Highlight came when I was asked "are you ok", to which I replied, "well, I haven't been shot in the head yet".


I bet that was a conversation killer ....... and if it was delivered correctly (and I have no doubt that it was), it should have been met with a perplexed look, a pause and then an uncomfortable giggle. :lol:

But a killer line nonetheless - another fave line from today "I'd trust him about as far as I could walk on my hands". Now, the person who said it can unicycle so I wouldn't put it past her being able to walk a fair distance on her hands followed by some nifty break dancing or such like at the end. But I'm fairly sure I can use the line to full effect.

ps - blue grass. most excellent. I happen to have that nifty tune from Deliverance on CD which I occasionally play in my car when bored to scare passengers :twisted:

[Richard_S]

My tone of disdain was in full effect even if rational thought went AWOL for the duration. Still I have yet to be sacked and for the time being I am happy to use the oblivious tact whilst whistling the theme from cheers loudly. Apparently it all turned into an orgy of sorts - slightly disappointing given that I was using the "quiet observer" line for the duration, only to have quite obviously been observing in the wrong direction. Murder on the dance floor etc and more than one spot of marital infidelity. I will never understand the modern man - one woman should be enough at any one time, and if it’s not just invite her friends into the fold. Mark my words, it is not about making a spectacle of yourself with a spotty oink from any ones service department, let alone our sorry bunch of inbred halfwits. You will be heartbroken to hear that Fraulein D got herself stuck in there on several occasions - needless to say she will be getting no more winks from this jaded cowboy (there is a slight whip of jealousy in there somewhere but for the most part I am being all moral like)

Had a lecture from J regarding the lack of social skills on display - I gave her the brows and punched her in the ribs. In fact no I am lying, she punched me in the ribs with a very sharp object and I went to make a cup to tea. Upon my return I gave her a couple of well-crafted barrels and we left it at that. She is now out of the circle.

On the subject of beards I am stuck in a quandary - give it a fortnight and I will be giving big foot a run for his money – should I tidy it all up or just stick a couple of well formed fingers up to the establishment? You bald people have it far to easy.

Got to Hammersmith last night to be greeted with extended tales of woe and a power cut that scuppered both the visuals and my mood. I can only thank Jesus for both my health and my passive nature. Boris was less than pleased by the wasted trip and despite some new fuel and a friendly pat we eschewed enough fumes to kill several troops of Colobus upon our departure this morning. Never a dull moment etc.

yours watching the stars drip down like butter x

ps the locksmiths are queued - I am expecting great things having read their policy with regards to the taping of there live shows.

pps apparently I should sell my rug and give the money to a monkey charity. I like the Guardian as well, but jeez where do some people get off!? I blame that Mick Bates chap.

ppps Nobby has dropped the idea of replacing in favour of a bank account in the green and keeping what is left of his legs. It is the wise move despite lacking rock and roll credentials - with snow and ice on its way it is not about doing another one.
I would strongly suggest that under no circumstances do you let him loose on your search for the grail that is the F40. As more of a barrier man I am not volunteering either, tis one demon you need to quash for yourself. I have never put one on its roof n a tree though.

Ciao

[Little Monster]

Apparently it all turned into an orgy of sorts - slightly disappointing given that I was using the "quiet observer" line for the duration, only to have quite obviously been observing in the wrong direction. Murder on the dance floor etc and more than one spot of marital infidelity. .

Went to a house party friday night and am today feeling very smug at being the sober one! Baywatch did an adult version of the show....Baywatch Nights. This party on friday was (being mostly inhabited by folk from the firm) Ally McBeal Nights. Infidelities, revelations about infidelities and far too much illegal stuff going on when there's post room staff at the party. Bless em all.

A distinct lack of class.

[A Yerbury]

Might I suggest that whomsoever purchases the flattened fluffy boys sells them on and does likewise? thus creating a loop of guilt and absolution? like a pyramid sell with added flava and no pyramids..Spent the weekend with Nick Knocks, it was a whim thing as his girlfriend was at some sort of retreat (not that kind, he is a guardian reader too) We just went to the -orgy free thank the lord- pub, quite pleasant although in my book a lock in is not about "can you drink those in five minutes"....I can, we could, but we didn't and never would...Adnams, like foreplay should never be rushed. The boy was made redundant from "metro life" -soon to be your friendly neighbourhood tome, and is currently freelancing for the NME and "we love telly" hmmmm indeed, still he did receive a big comedy cheque for 6 months toil and is contemplating something with a very big engine or climbing mountains, one of the two (k2 probably) Apart from this it has been all quiet on the western front. Nice.

Stanley.xxx

ps.Dirty Doris but I know what you mean.
pps.I have two power drills, handy Andy meets Jon Woo.
ppps.Nick wants a shed, who can blame him though? it has a wobbly shelf and everything!
pppps.A small orphan girl with downs syndrome punching an aircraft carrier?....Pathetic.

[Richard_S]

Rescued once again from a pit of broken roses and cold dreams. Mr Yerbury, you cad, you have raised more than a glass of the bubbly stuff and I say shazam in your general direction.

Yours with the salute of absolution and the special Sellers look x



Ps a beehive? in Cario? with bees? Pathetic.

[A Yerbury]

Sports-day, me, aged seven, running the final leg of the 800 metres relay.... Pathetic! (no gold cups for the red house that year! the gits) Excuse me, I have just encountered a juicy scab and a bottle of Becks in precisely that order.

Giles.xxx

ps.We now have a map of the world in the computer room (it's not funny bones I know but...) so should you have global domination plans or are curious re:the whereabouts of Bhutan, you know who to call.

pps.I forgot, It wasn't Becks it was Nastro Azzurro! sometimes my ponceyness surprises and amazes even me! chin chin fools!!

ppps.Earlier (en route to the village post office/shop) I saw a proper duck in a proper duck pond doing proper quacks, here's to the buccolic idyll cliche moments that keep me on the path to not exploding myself in the bath (okay, I do that sometimes) there is a god, he does have a beard and he wants me for a rainbow (a heterosexual one obviously)

pppps.A little old lady trying to fend off bull sharks with a limp orange balloon.... pathetic!

[Little Monster]

ps.We now have a map of the world in the computer room (it's not funny bones I know but...) so should you have global domination plans or are curious re:the whereabouts of Bhutan, you know who to call.


can you tell me what looks like it could be a 30 min train ride from a major city in slovakia please - sorry to be vague, geography is not my strong point but there's somewhere in slovakia that's meant to be good for a jaunt and 30 mins from a city i have actually heard of in a bordering country (i shall now crawl back under my rock in shame but this is actually a serious question) :o

[A Yerbury]

pathetic.

The scale is a bit mickey mouse for such enquiries? I could mime the flag if you like.

Yours with limescale.
Franz.xxx

[DesmoDog]

A thirty minute train ride in an ex soviet country? Could take you anywhere - more detail please cheri!

[A Yerbury]

I believe Des "lord of war" modog has plenty of business contacts that way Sue. drop him a pm.

sally.xxx

ps.We need some more bunker busters Karl? the last batch were just too much fun.

[Richard_S]

Well so far this week I have dropped Charlotte (*bang bang* stylee) in an Astroturf football enclosure (in Battersea ffs), been tugged by Malcolm and his nenors (I'll ignore the plate but gets your lights fixed etc) and watched with bemusement as the fall out from the weekends wife swapping intensifies.

Good things include some home baked white choc chip cookies, the arrival of Primrose and Scarlet (my two new ducks) and the possibility that it could all be gravy ; literally – a meal option has become available.

I have also been leafletted ref Bikky and logical madness, 4th Oct start. We also now have a thunderbird working with us.

yours with a lucky foot and some dog-eared cardboard x

ps My magic Scot managed to machine out my clumsiness and it is actually all ok. Apparently he saw the fear in my eyes and pulled in a favour from the big man and his spinners.
Oh and whilst on the subject of phewff my midnight rendezvous was made all the more interesting by my attire and my cargo. Thank the lord they defied tradition and buggered off to do some real crime stopping. I had to pay extra to get the antelope suit pressed as well as buffed but small mercies and all that.

pps 'how' has always been a f**ker. I refer to him as a f**keye. It helps.

ppps I have been approached by Chanel to take over from Katie and her "modern" ways. I've left them on ice for the time being as I need some new blades for my Sweeney. Apparently I am beyond Wookie. Form a queue etc.

shopping? in town? for frying pans? Pathetic!

[A Yerbury]

Re: MASH, he is a bit and it does...a lot, I mean really. The Nancy moment presents itself to the best of us (yes, even me) although astroturf is unforgivable, were it from space I could summon the required enthusiasm, but it's not so I won't. Regardless of Stanley K's affection for the sea that is battered it is best avoided (despite .5 of my blood line flowing from that hallowed mile) I am now set builder/photographer and stylist (I even have an assistant called Nelson) if you need any soap or towells arranging then you know who to call, lets do lunch etc..

Yours with a small piece of the universe.

Krazyeyezkillah.xxx

ps.I was once a bit beyond ewok but I have put those days behind me.
pps.Looking for naked shots of Xenna? on the internet? pathetic.
ppps.As regards Mr Todd I think four sabres of paradise is a bit silly, I'm old skool though so I use flint ("lubra strip" included natch)

[Richard_S]

Cleopatra doing a left etc for you did not meet Rev.Todd and his single sided blade of terror (I know what your thinking - hey hey hey! did you see what he did there?!).
You should know about my toy collection by now Sir ; deduct a proper Egyptian cotton towel from your borrowing bunker (a snazzy coakhook would be nice?! whilst your down there love etc) and consider yourself lucky - Primrose has just made a pass at me and it would be rude to refuse on her first night.

Ciao for now x



ps life? death? the universe? Pathetic!

[Little Monster]

Sorry to digress etc but I know this has been keeping you up nights .... the said city was Bratislava which is apparently cheap and fab and within easy access of...wait for it.....Budapest and Vienna.

I leave you to get back to your fowl. x

ps - I was asked today if I went to "that shagging party on friday" to which I smirked and replied that I did but I was a sober observer.

[A Yerbury]

Stratislava is overated, nice arse but not much cop on a clay surface. That Stanislava Komarova is much much nicer. (IMO)

[Richard_S]

La Cienega just smiles and says, "I'll see you around" etc. Probably one of those situations the shade of purple; you know, the ones with the tasselled horns and skin-tight undergarments. Apparently its got something to do with the high levels of testosterone accumulated whilst soaking your (mine / his / hers etc) fluffy weary paws in a lotion scented of wild roses and liquorice. I sincerely hope to never fully understand. Its not about being 'scary' though - what's next; Leprosy? one eyed kittens? a surge in the price of fish? still born
frogs? Absolute madness.

25 down (sad but true), 0 to go (best foot forward etc) and well and truly stuck on page 192 (connotations the colour of something truly horrible). Bit like groundhog day, just without the earth shattering comedy (sic) or striped scarves. However I am told that poofs tea aids defiance and swords can be sharpened by simple rocks found around the simple home. Could this be curse related? One the size and shape of oriental terracotta perchance? We can hope, but chances are that the edges of death have been warmed up creating a soggy effect and the middle remains well and truly frozen (chicken breast vis a vis one hell of a dead bird etc)

Yours with pockets full of dust and little resistance x



Ps Ball games? With balls? On ice? Pathetic!

Pps with regards to the eastern block I tend to find it just a tad on the dry side. It is not about deep throat thrombosis or tins the colour of rust. (IMO etc).

Ppps I have given up shagging and parties. The Friday feeling can go to hell etc

Pppps Modern life and gate posts are rubbish – just ask Charlotte.

Ppppps :bunny: etc

[DesmoDog]

Bratislavia? I've heard good things about it, but alas have never been there. One for the future although I hear that it's not as much fun nowadays as you don't get to play cat and mouse games with members of the "intelligence" community. "I'll be under the clock at 17:19" etc. Of course you can always indulge in this sort of game in any city in the former soviet republic, same faces - different haircut and all that. But, I'd advise against it without a lot of muscle.

On the subject of balls on ice (shudder), I had to sit through a video on skateboarding on snow Friday past - Snowboarding I cried, but no it was correctly monikered. Some sort of ice breaker apparently (no pun intended).

We're all out of bunker busters - went like hot cakes over at Excel last week. I can do you a nice line in semi intelligent munitions if that's your particular Idaho?

[A Yerbury]

1 Squirrel (RIP you little twitcher) incident, 2 monsters spotted in the very upright and two rainbows, the last of which had no pot of gold at its base but a rather dashing me, which is a lot better (IMO) if only someone had a camera/phone/easel/sculpting clay or spare pixels....

Sils cored, an easy job apart from being a bit girly with the rivet gun (my hands are usually reserved for more sensitive operations)

Yours avoiding the 17 quid ostrich curry, I mean really?!
Nessy.xxx

ps.Insert halfords P word customer service jibe here.
pps.Hippy rock ska tunes to be served with a slice of irony pie next time.

[Banshee]

Aint read the whole thread just your last post (cant be arsed) but have i missed a party?????

p.s. i need a room.

[Little Monster]

have i missed a party?????
.
You usually do.....


Lexicon - I do hope the squirrel incident didn't 'involve' the said rivit gun ..... or even the last of your bunker buster stash :eek:

[Banshee]

ill go get it.

[Little Monster]

ill go get it.

why? have you pulled?

[A Yerbury]

you were not invited to a party, everywhere, always. Now PLEASE DELETE THAT POST BAMBINO! Occasionally I print these pages off and read them to paying members, royalty, the toast of literay society and assorted grandchildren, those scrawled comments of yours are currently playing Dr Seth Brundle to my Oil of Ulay.

Just kidding, IMO we are a very broad church over here and do on occasion need balast.

Heidi.xxx

ps.A room? try a womb? crawl back inside and start your life over? it can't get any worse.
pps.Just kidding, he's too dim witted to take offence and we are all mostly "all growed up" these days.

[Banshee]

you tell me?

[A Yerbury]

You usually do.....


Lexicon - I do hope the squirrel incident didn't 'involve' the said rivit gun ..... or even the last of your bunker buster stash :eek:

The poor little thing clearly had it's mind on other things, now the poor little thing has it's mind on the tarmac. All rather upsetting, I forsee spectral squirrels clawing at my window and a few sleepless nights.

USSLexington.xxx

[Little Monster]

The poor little thing clearly had it's mind on other things, now the poor little thing has it's mind on the tarmac. All rather upsetting, I forsee spectral squirrels clawing at my window and a few sleepless nights.

USSLexington.xxx

you should be ok as long as they don't elicit the help of the sheep - we know how violent they can be after a few pints of cider.

The Sale Widows ventured to see Pride and Prejudice last night - a few cinematography flaws but a few breath-taking moments I've not known since the days of Dirty Dancing (I am a girl after all). We are now in search of men in britches (don't even think about it Bansh) and Darcy was v sexy even despite the Liam Gallagher side-burns. I shall now be using phrases such as 'capital fellow' and practising my cross stitch. We did nearly get kicked out when the 3 of us howled like witches when Miss Owen justified marrying the twatty Mr Collins because 'I'm 27, I'm not married, with no prospects.....'. The Sale Widows weren't around then of course. xxx

[Banshee]

Im sorry, i must of upset you. again sorry.

[Little Monster]

Im sorry, i must of upset you. again sorry.

must HAVE man, not OF, must HAVE .....for the love of god!!!!!

[A Yerbury]

you should be ok as long as they don't elicit the help of the sheep - we know how violent they can be after a few pints of cider.

The Sale Widows ventured to see Pride and Prejudice last night - a few cinematography flaws but a few breath-taking moments I've not known since the days of Dirty Dancing (I am a girl after all). We are now in search of men in britches (don't even think about it Bansh) and Darcy was v sexy even despite the Liam Gallagher side-burns. I shall now be using phrases such as 'capital fellow' and practising my cross stitch. We did nearly get kicked out when the 3 of us howled like witches when Miss Owen justified marrying the twatty Mr Collins because 'I'm 27, I'm not married, with no prospects.....'. The Sale Widows weren't around then of course. xxx

I am sure that the Sale widows are capital fellows one and all, hurrah!

VERYSEXYLEXY.XXX

ps.I'm sorry, I must have upset you. Again sorry.
__________________

[Banshee]

Sorry i must HAVE upset you, again sorry.

[Little Monster]

Time for my beauty sleep - Bansh you'd better sleep till wednesday ;) and carry a defensive weapon (I can't believe I have said weapon when addressing you :mad: ) cos Richard_S is gonna whoop your ass for posting so much in this thread. In fact, I'm probably for it too but that's ok, reckon I could take him in a fist fight :p

ps - have had enough ice cream this weekend to satisfy a small brood of children so I shall be hitting the gym tomorrow
pps - if i am lucky enough to meet anyone called Jim though, I shall hit him instead and just go to the pub xxx

[CraigMac]

Little Mo,
Strange request, but im sure this chap can help you ladies out.
Azad Manzil restuarant in Chorlton....Ask for dirty Dan Singh...Most fetish's catered for...Im sure he will wear the britches for you.....He has a look of Colin Firth....with a turban.....
Cheap rates as well...

Regards

[Richard_S]

Well I am alive (two moments, neither of them pleasant). Charlotte is buffed (cuddling is on the cards for later), my book arrived (not many pictures) and I have a squashed pasty in the fridge (Squirrel food; don't ask).

Had some light-hearted banter with Nobs vis a vis his upcoming cancer (IMO etc) and despite the shucks factor he is bearing up as you would expect. Apparently 3k buys a hell of a lot of asbestos duvets and alike and its go go go on the DIY-SOS front. Regardless I will be kicking The Man squarely in the nuts on his behalf one of these days - drown me with water and burn me with fire, oops that’s a tree etc. Its certainly not cricket or anything like it.

Kasia (the suicidal Pole) made me smile earlier with a very sweet remark and so despite being a day of mixed thoughts and too much paperwork I now have cause to re-open the fan club. Don't ask for discount (saving for a blat round the moon). Payment for the time being is preferred in hybrid light fittings (its all about not being able to buy what you want to apparently). Obviously seven hour lamb goes towards flicking the switch.

“You want ALL of it?!” - thats my hose etc.

Oh and that Dolphin song was rubbish. I will be writing to the landlord (its not about using a megaphone for the unschooled bargirls) to have a little word. John (happy birthday etc) had a great night though and that is important.

Hotdogs? Don’t fancy yours much but probably easier to swallow than Harry and his blue bubbles of monetary shame.

Yours with my hands on my head and a look of flabbergastastion x

ps I am still glowing - Go use those hands to heal the world.

pps Staple it together and call it bad weather. There may be a storm brewing but Miss Belinitos should be fine.

ppps Did someone say translucent? If not WHY not dammit!

pppp made redundant? What ever happened to ‘cheers'?

ppppp I’m really glad to have met you, I can babble about Honda, touch your wrist, comment on autumn and then promptly bugger off. Wenches these days etc - save my seat I am not coming back. Ever.

However I am overjoyed that she has photographic proof going back 10 years. I mean who wouldn’t be?

Oh and I have logged a call with O2 ref how to download rainbows.
Watch this space etc

----------------------------------
Crowd Control

As I sit back and scuttle I am sure that someone somewhere is posting witty pictures of mutilated man breasts - hopefully in the correct section (IMO etc). They are probably even using witty titles and you would be simply maaddd! to miss out.
Failing that someone (it could be somebody YOU know) will be having a worry (yes - a worry! right now!) and undoubtedly needs your help (yes you!).
Its all about knowing your station and falling off the platform at the right time. Smile for the camera, here is a banana, do a right, mind that pylon etc

xx

[A Yerbury]

Yes, johnny the hapless dolphin (bit of a theme today but as tears for fears once noticed it's a rum old game) and his undersea malaise? that musical (sic) memory tapped me between the brows earlier like a drunken fruitbat. Why he wants to be a train is anyones guess? and it is most certainly not about having a fat man in a lesbian hat crooning your swansong...(swan, sooooo two weeks ago) (ditto lesbianism, let's move along eh folks?) I did warn you about the arse backwards lock in "yes, maybe if paying customers leave etc" Still, nice to speak to TYLER who managed to do the big US OF VEY thing despite missing the point entirely (our president is worse than yours....so there) or maybe that was me getting stroked the wrong way? I dunno? I am (generally) a man of peace but I do occasionally want to stab everyone in the eyeballs...repeatedly.

Nelson was on fine form earlier, he went to a dinner party on Saturday and had a row with a fat man called Clive. I gave him a gold star and we did a little dance. Helen the accountant was back in today, despite popping out a nipper recently (it's still in the pram so I'm guessing six months) she has the kind of buttocks that make me cry, like steel made of latex wrapped in herringbone tweed.. and she has a proper hairstyle! No doubt Mr Helen is a bloody nice bloke.

Yours with a credit note...whoop dee doo.
Lucy.xxx

ps.The hose is still in repose, I may get it framed, no doubt worth a bob or two in years to come.
pps.I have packed the sils with napalm, should I worry? if so how?
ppps.A gate? with a post? a gate post? tres pathe
pppps.I was trying to be acute there but it appears I know my way around a keyboard like the back of my hand...whoaa! what the f**k is that?! (etc)

ppppps.hold the front page (this is the editor) re: "the hose situation" having checked I think I only need half?! "yeah, Alex.... you know, eyedrops? credit notes? yeah! that "w****r"

[spacemonkey]

pps.I have packed the sils with napalm, should I worry? if so how?



Now there's an idea! Do you recommend a petrol/vaseline mix, or the gloopier petrol/polystyrene mix? Enquiring minds need to know...

For added mirth, pour some paraffin down them, or better still build an injection device into the cans... Red Arrows, here we come!

[A Yerbury]

I wasn't worried but now I am? which is better? errrrrrrr???!!! vaseline probably?

Igor.xxx
ps.I saw the red arrows last week, they flew over the garden which means I didn't have to pay! there's one in the eye to the man.

[spacemonkey]

That reminds me of a little tale of my misguided youth in Boringmouth...

Every year the firework/bonfire bonanza would take place in the local recreation ground adjaceant to the Stanpit Marsh, but even though it was common ground the shysters would charge admission. Not willing to fall for this scam, it became a matter of honour to circumvent the pay booths and sneak in for gratis. One year opur brave heros sneaked onto the marsh itself to view the pyrotechnics. Trouble is, that that year it was particularily windy and the fire works got blown onto the marsh area and exploded at ground level, all around our merry gang. It was like being on the Somme....

[A Yerbury]

like Sonatine when they are holed up at the beach, a bit, maybe.

[spacemonkey]

Exactly.. great flick.

[A Yerbury]

have you taken youself down to the "film shop" on church street yet? life is worth living with a korean section. (IMO)

[spacemonkey]

Never really got into Korean stuff.

Have you seen the Oz flick, 'Chopper'?

[A Yerbury]

yes, excellent. I did find the cocaine sequence highly amusing in a puerile beavis kind of way. Dead mans shoes is next on the list.

ps.Apologies to her indoors for all this film "chat" on tooth extraction, it won't happen again miss.

[Richard_S]

Right well after numerous phone calls and a lot of huffing I, in conjunction with India, have figured this whole picture thing out.
Unfortunately I was employing incorrect settings over the weekend and as you can see we will have to find another rainbow at some point.
It is obviously all about the sizing.
Putting that disappointment to one side I have now adjusted and thoroughly tested at the “medium” setting and from now on life size replicas will be the staple.
To prove the point I have added one taken in the last few (all the toys, all of the bases, none of the know how)

Yours with a fresh install and some nudey stuff planned for later x

Ps at 25p a shot these uploads will be reserved for taxidermy’d (is that a word?) cats (meow etc), inappropriate up-skirts (not involving fish) and random shots of my feet with hairy toes included (I wasn’t called fluffy for nothing)

Pps your forgiven ref film talk - I will have a scout for the paraplegic mans loafers later.

[SAMMYE]

Right well after numerous phone calls and a lot of huffing I, in conjunction with India, have figured this whole picture thing out.
Unfortunately I was employing incorrect settings over the weekend and as you can see we will have to find another rainbow at some point.
It is obviously all about the sizing.
Putting that disappointment to one side I have now adjusted and thoroughly tested at the “medium” setting and from now on life size replicas will be the staple.
To prove the point I have added one taken in the last few (all the toys, all of the bases, none of the know how)

Yours with a fresh install and some nudey stuff planned for later x

Ps at 25p a shot these uploads will be reserved for taxidermy’d (is that a word?) cats (meow etc) and inappropriate up-skirts.

Pps your forgiven ref film talk - I will have a scout for the paraplegic mans loafers later.

F*ck me Yerbury!! you got a mini me!! (with hair) is he b*mming you in the second picture?? hey hey hey

p.s. Old boy is a great film - could so easily happen in real life sends shivers down my spine! brrrrrrr

[Richard_S]

F**k me Samuel !! what a thoroughly expected retort.
Its all about the juvenile perspective and I applaud both your originality and integrity.

"b*mming" may well be the very latest in "street" vocabulary where you live (paul where ever the f**k) or maybe your just having one of your "funny" days again. Who knows, who cares you'll find your place next door.

yours with a kick in the teeth xx

ps with regards to your fancy dress, where a dress and go as c**t.
Here to help etc

pps he started it Mister etc

[A Yerbury]

looks like we have 1.950 mega pixels missing in the rainbow shot (I'm a terrabyte man these days, not exactly my toys but I have the keys to the cupboard) still, it's all about being there and it was a moment. Sam please keep your adolescent fantasies to yourself.

Alice.xxx

ps.Old boy is a great film and there is no way it could happen in real life. what a silly sausage.

[Little Monster]

:eek: in that 3rd shot.......how have you managed to make the cigarette smoke come out of the top of your head??? very impressive :cool:

re Sammy's fancy dress - great minds think alike (or he paid you off too and REALLY wants, not only to wear women's clothing in public, but to be TOLD to do so - kinky monkey)

[DesmoDog]

You cored your sils? Why?

ps. spiffy 3rd pic

p.p.s second pic looks like a contemporary take on how to get a head in advertising.

p.p.p.s Richard EEEEE Grant

With a might too much of the home made etc etc

[A Yerbury]

why? why not? because I am a VBM? and had a rivet gun for 48 hours?..sounds nice plus ordered some pods so a dyno tweak is on t' cards (again) There is a bakery opposite the ducks crossing sign that sells the best home made pies in all christendom (I had two) this was todays highlight, not great you cry? well....you should have seen the pastry. I see young samuel beeps has been given firm admonishment from the head (zoinks and crikey) being rude about ladies is simply not on.

Yours with nostrils sparking at the wheel of life, love and leaving.

Morris.xxx

ps.Smoke signals to be done sometime soon re: party on sat.
pps.Receiving a top score in ones IT course and not knowing whether one has a mac or a pc? educayshun today? pathetic.

[Little Monster]

Mr Beeps has given me permission to 'rip the **** out of him like everyone else', bless him. Somehow, now I'm allowed, it holds no fun. :(

Party, Saturday, without me there - it will be pathetic :p

[A Yerbury]

Should you find yourself in Clerkenwell then drop by the Apple Tree, no apples or trees just booze, drugs, attractive people and music. However if it's raining I may sing the bugger it song, fire up my crack pipe, have a wonk, light a few candles and generally have a bit of a girls night in....ohh merlot! how palatable! The cellar is stocked and now that I have joined the workers my weekends are like virgin gold dust laced with fairy tales.

yours with 10,ooo volts.

Greg.xxx

ps.Why do some folk, when flogging their ropey bikes on autotrader or ebay include a picture of said machine with their kiddies attached? look! I have been breeding? (not very well IMO but...) or are they appealing to paedo customers? it is most odd.

pps.Sammy beeps, I have printed up a word doc with the words "I am a silly c**t" in nice big fonts, you should be able to download this quite easily, print it up (all proper like) then repeatedly smash your face into it for all eternity...who knows? within my lifetime you may eventually get the message?

ppps.relax kids he loves this. God, I miss Berto... I loved that man!

[Little Monster]

they might drag me back in

seriously though, i think you need more time to practise your body popping before the dance off commences ;)

merlot and a spot of backgammon with Mrs Jennings however would be good :cool:

[A Yerbury]

It's close but not that close, sods law the first night in the holding cell I could see a boozer we used to frequent on the Caledonian Rd...crazy days and all that cliche. Anyway it's more Islington than kings cross (big -ish difference) anyway I am a bad man etc. (ish)

yours with a dozen hatchets carved into my eyeballs.

Allesandro.x

[Little Monster]

yours with a dozen hatchets carved into my eyeballs.


eye drops are being UPS'd to you now

suzette xx

[A Yerbury]

Hey! Eyedrops are my new "thing" it's good to have a hobby. Or a hobby horse...is a hobby horse a wooden horse? I saw a horse today, it made that flappy lip noise and I gave it/him/her some fresh blackberries (naturally I did the noise back-quite well in fact) communing with ruminants, thats the next thing....I'm like so over eye drops now.

Yours with dogfood on my upper lip (it's technical, don't ask)

Axel.x

[spacemonkey]

Eyedrops? Phah! Real men use carb cleaner. Call yourself an ex con? Bloody Islingtonites..

[A Yerbury]

Eyedrops? Phah! Real men use carb cleaner. Call yourself an ex con? Bloody Islingtonites..

this from a lass who lives in Highbury and.... (roll eyes etc)

[Little Monster]

.....before I go to bed. It is all about life's observations after all.


Post gym session (on a friday eve, yes, but pre pub, oh yes) I was getting out of my sweats and into a fluffy towel (god, I hope Banshee doesn't read that, it's not a porn site after all) and a naked lady bent over providing me with quite the vantage point to see that she had the best peach of a butt I've ever seen (nearly saw too much too which would have required c0cktails to recover). However, she stood up and it really wasn't all that. Still, I was tempted to tell her that she should bend over at every possible opportunity. It seemed inappropriate with all the flesh on show though so I kept the thought to myself - although I have now shared with you.

I also saw a man wearing a mask like the Japanese do when they have colds (they're so considerate). He wasn't Japanese. He'd just come out of Andrew Collinge's salon. Nice hair. Odd.

My new physiotherapist (niggling injuries have to go, need to get serious at the gym, I don't **** about etc) 'worked on me' and sent me away taped up!!! something to do with stimulating/retraining my nervous system or some other such witchdoctory. Or is she one of those other sorts of 'therapists' I now wonder? :confused:

Yours trussed up xx

ps - the towels they give out at the gym actually aren't all that fluffy but I didn't want to spoil the story.

pps - beat those little gems Ricardo ;)

[DesmoDog]

Pods, pods you say - and from the chap who advised against such thoughs on the grounds that this isn't Cali or some such twaddle. Now Al, you know if you go for the pods then you're going to haev to buy the Kliens. Time to pick the bobbles out of the balaclava and get that sawn off from under the floor again my friend.

PS eye drops, carb cleaner? I can't even roll my eyes at this - I'm so hard I've been welding (well watching) without a mask and now I feel like I have sockets full of very sharp sand.

PPS Party?

[A Yerbury]

yes I may be on the blower to the cats at cali bike works for some calvin klingons, 1 step at a time (then a pirouette if you are me) I am having an old skool moment and shall be respraying my hoop yellow in the morning (Halfords bogof got me free petrol res lac-which is rubbish btw) Apart from draining the moat and seeing off a raiding party, today has been mostly 7.5!

Sellers is marshalling at Donnington today Peggy Sue (our Nobby is going around the outside like a buffalo girl...for six hours) comedy tyre marks over the face notwithstanding and the indignity of sleeping in a passat they are probably both generally loving it.

I nearly ran over Nicky Clarke once, I'll bag the c**t next time though...

Our man in Havanna.xxx

ps.Next time miss please provide some "upskirts" pics to verify your derriere observations. It's good to talk but it is better to gawp.....unplanned couplet there! What a capital fellow I am, I am? what a capital fellow I am!

pps.As soon as I find a mobile in the househould with the required pixels I shall attempt a recording of mr Sils sans sonic diffusers, just for you karl. Two thumbs up remarks today, one from a Y****a dealer "oh, I thought it was you, that really is a lovely duke.." he's right although he should lay off the hair gel, whats that all about? IM expert O.

[Little Monster]

:eek:

There was no skirt to upskirt dear Yerblington. But in any event, phone camming someone in a changing room would almost certainly get me banned (although I think she may have been flirting with me,giggling next to me whilst doing hair and make up the little minx)

Mr S....Marshalling.....frolicking with the brolly dollies more like. No doubt neglecting his marshalling duties and probably coming home to find his house has been Carol Smilie'd by his folks and is now bestowed with flowery curtains with tie backs no less. Hope he's got some alcohol in.

[Richard_S]

My name is Zach etc as half of the story took a siesta earlier. FYI The farmer did come round in the end, and so there is no need to alert the hounds. I have adopted a good set of eggs with those proper crusty fingers and remain hopeful that they will dip ferociously into all sorts of mucky pies (a promise is a promise etc) over the following few.
Yesterday was less than a hoot in all of the practical senses, and some others that I can’t mention. Having arrived at 12.30am and with the prospect of spending the night with a Passat (she didn’t half like her ‘diesel’, the whore) alarm bells should have rung. Obviously they did, at about 11am when I had the 11th hour call from our hero. However with a heart of gold and big cuddly hands I ignored the demons and the runway in front of my nose and got down and less than dirty with Tina Jnr (Its not about being arrested whilst in an official capacity after all). To the untrained eye (lots of it about apparently) I probably looked a trifle strange. As we both know there is little accounting for people / taste / the world and general visionary failings and so I got my bare legs out for artistic appeal. Our view could have and probably has killed in its time. The horizon was filled with lines of 75-foot portable masts (to call them aerials would be both unfair and libellous). Nikki Clarke please take note – I am very worried about this etc. Upon further investigation we discovered that we were slap bang and slightly to the left of a proper ‘club’ event. I glossed over the bumper stickers (higher things) but this was obviously ‘The UKs Biggest Pylon 2005’ expo that we have all heard so much about. You really couldn’t create this half as well etc. Having set our base-camp up with SAS like stealth we said goodnight and went our separate ways. I locked my blue-eyed wardrobe and closed my eyes. Approximately 38 seconds later she went and had herself a bloody moment. Alive to the sound of sirens and men bearing sticks we did eventuality manage to unplug the necessary and escape from the flashing lights. It was not a moment, and I kept my antenna up and aligned for any forthcoming revenge attacks. None came. I blamed this on my lack of sleep, probably unfairly.
I then spent eight hours watching the same bikes take the same line through the same corner in the company of a very sorry threesome. A couple who did this "for fun" and a man who can only be described as a veteran for all of the wrong reasons. My ears were cold and my bib was a very obvious colour. I was not a happy man. My packed lunch didn’t go far either but fortunately that at least didn’t matter. Having spent 25 years at it I am going to call you a fool. Yes you Simon! Please either end it all immediately, and in every sense or have some more children. Marshalling is not, and has never been on my infamous list and as always it is good to be right. I suggest if it is on any of your minds you remove now in a very firm manly fashion. I have added and ticked it as a reminder that generally speaking it could always be worse.
They ended up 34th (which is borderline terrible for the record) but no one died and the close of season provided a finish and a few smiles.
I was just happy to have had my heaven points topped up.

Yours poking nonsense firmly in the eye with a house of faux-flowersx

Ps I am now living in Ikea. Fourth time lucky perhaps?

Pps I would like to send a shout out to VW. Speaking as a man who now knows please allow your rear seatbelt pretensioners to be tucked away under the seats. The modern man requires a degree of flexibility whilst having an adventure and my back will be sending you a very abrupt letter. You also use unhappy cows btw.

leaving at 4am? to wave flags? in a blizzard? Pathetic

[Banshee]

Take it Ya didnt get out today then mate?

[Little Monster]

RS - oh dear. Mucho brownie points for you with nobby though - altruism is a good thing (in careful measure) so have yourself a wry grin and a dry gin.

oh, the polite request - please use more paragraphs, that was hard for my tired eyes this eve. Thanks ever so. I sent my eyedrops to Yerbly last night so have no relief.

[Richard_S]

I’m happy to leave it as a definite maybe but as with all things lop-sided tis best to leave the air of mystique available and on tap. It’s all about being a surprise after all (circa 2000, happy days etc).

Only other point worthy of note is that Clive (my blutac Octopus) has acquired eyebrows during my last cigarette break.

Yours at the beginning of a platted oriental tuft x

Ps David, my bird stuffer from Cambridge, has provided detailed instructions ref displaying the troop. Apparently Jenn went to ‘Monkey World’ in Dorset over the weekend and they had all varieties aplenty bar the infamous Colobus. I just whistled casually - Monkeys? What monkeys?.

Pps I hope to God that they never let me out. So should you.

paragraphs? with walking sticks? at twilight? Pathetic!

[Nonnie]

Imaginary goats? In a corrall? In time? Pathetic!

There are a lot of Clives about aren't there?

You are not wrong about the marshalling thing. My own brother did it for years and ended up a very very sorry individual. I hope you don't also subscribe to his pastime of "bringing the F1 chair down from the loft". It is angled at the right angle and everything.

Bring on the fast hounds and watch me clean up.

[Richard_S]

Thank you for your concern ye of little horns but please be assured that my loft has only ever been used for the cultivation of conifers. The "F1 Chair" that you speak of actually belongs to the guy who runs the local youth club and so I would keep that on the down low if I were you. It is not about getting your big / little bro in trouble and after my experience he deserves every perk he has found. I had the opportunity of lifting my day-glo vest but decided that I have more than enough "collectibles" as it is. Oh and it was too baggy - its not about looking fat when your not etc.

yours with a light head and a shaven belly button x


ps I haven't really shaved my bellybutton but I could have done and thats what counts.

[A Yerbury]

According to my new boss "I am a godsend" most of you already knew this but the "Meerbrook Trading estate" Is a new acquisition to my world and even the best news travels slow in the countryside, no doubt something to do with mud and/or vermin. I am off to Bristol after the old skool bell has done it's chiming to pick up a very splendid jacket tomorrow...Dainese? Imatra? 50 quid? yes please mr "Paul" My flesh is a shady flint soon to be black/tungsten affair (Being Italian they only use happy cows) zymol bannana feed here we come, whoopedy heck. We need more blu tack in the studio so Octopi (sawn? octopus?) are currently beyond my reach. Enough of this palaver, I am now going to carve up some tuna belly and call him sashimmi.... very moshi moshi.

Yours with my feet (all eight of them) planted firmly on the monitors. Lets rock.

Norris.xxx

ps.The only Marshaling I have done is lugging them about for Zodiac Mindwarp.
pps.I do like sitting down in chairs though, I even do the sitting down noise..not something I can attribute to old age either? as -according to various family members- I have done this since the age of seven, humbug to the world age 7 and a 1/2

[Richard_S]

I have just hotrocked my sock. I am more than a little worried.

Had some strong words with the world and I won for a change. Onwards, sideways and my 1st lecture due on the morrow.

Yoda is due and I must now play host. What with the change in decor I may adopt a Lloyd G guise and bore him to tears with my new-found clinical toys for the duration. They all love it really.

yours doing the timewarp x

ps I got a pad for £1.74 earlier. 1/2 price. Its black and will become one of many. Silly romantic notions of a untidy stack encompassing all of the words wisdom.

[A Yerbury]

I have just hot-rodded my pants. There is a Rockwell print that springs to the mind..hang on.

http://www.forsyth.k12.ga.us/dnps/coal_mtn/tpix/anpohl/teacher.jpg


Rosie.xxx

ps.good luck with the pad, I have one for jottings, no jots yet.

[Little Monster]

It would appear I have an '80s party to go to in a couple of weeks and I am need of an outfit. All donations gratefully received. Yerble, you must have an old 'Relax' t-shirt, a ra-ra skirt or some leg warmers you could live without for a weekend?

thanks muchly

ps - Our receptionist was wearing white stilettos today..........with pink and black zebra print stockings. It was certainly 'a look' but my thoughts were along the lines of 'bedroom shoes?'

pps - I didn't even know blu-tack still existed.

ppps - it's my dad's birthday on wednesday and the Bassets liquorice allsorts are beautifully wrapped and ready to go in the post in the morning so you can all stop worrying. :p

[A Yerbury]

I was busy being a stroppy punk kid when the FGTH nonsense was happening. An 80's party? that's so late 90's.

Frankly.xxx

ps.Upskirt the receptionist please, they love that.

[A Yerbury]

I seem to be getting a noise from the engine? help! is it the engine? also there is a high pitched noise (I am sure something is broken) when I press a button on the switchgear? is it electrical? I hope not!

Thanks.

[Little Monster]

I was busy being a stroppy punk kid when the FGTH nonsense was happening. An 80's party? that's so late 90's.

Frankly.xxx

ps.Upskirt the receptionist please, they love that.

I never did punk. I was grunge in the nineties and a bit De La Soul/Public Enemy in the 80s - think that'd be lost on the crowd tho. Fear not, I shall adorn myself appropriately somehow but you're quite right, I'd have preferred any other decade tbf. I shall have to consider my birthday celebrations carefully to include some retaliation in there.

ps - I'm too classy to upskirt anyone. ;)

[Richard_S]

A little one to break us both in gently…

If a tree falls in a forest without birds, animals or people present does it make a noise?

Yours absolutely ****ing loving it x

Ps I don’t do engines, bit blue collar for me. Sorry.

Pps I only do upskirts on Wednesdays (my new bath night)

[Little Monster]

A little one to break us both in gently…

If a tree falls in a forest without birds, animals or people present does it make a noise?

Yours absolutely ****ing loving it x

Ps I don’t do engines, bit blue collar for me. Sorry.

OMG - this takes me back a few years.

Sh1t. Richard's going to go 'deep' on us - what the heck is THAT going to look like!!!

And would you rather lead a 'perfect happy life' but actually be a brain in a jar or prefer reality even if it's poop?

Here's raising a glass to your first successful lecture :bunny:

[A Yerbury]

There is no engine and the cat in the box is dead or non existent..looks like I will have to upskirts my self after all.

Yours upskirts and down tools untill tomorrow.

A.x

ps.It may be the exhaust.
pps.Male hormones give ladies deep voices, which is good but..

[Richard_S]

And in the true spirit of all of the games to which I find myself entangled, the subject in hand is quietly removed from the stage.

yours embracing a section of the world with a brain and giving it a big kiss x

ps the latter. Obviously. You can't wake a person who is pretending to be asleep but you can frown. It all helps.

As a footnote our five senses are illusionary anyhow. Like a big cinema showing your very own version of creation. You direct and you decide for it is all just makebelieve. I simply created a crazy one.

pps How’s this for an opening statement ; "I am an arrogant, narcisstic (her sp not mine etc) agnostic girl who loves nothing more than shooting down idiots".
New results for Penguin Magic?! Someone upstairs has clearly got my card marked already. It is not about being matched with any more troubled maidens. Especially ones with 'issues' relating to the English language and the spelling thereof.

exhausts? that smoke? but don't burn? Pathetic!



With regards to the AvOtor (being a kentish kunt) I remain tight lipped.
A wizard never explains his wizardry. Its all in the eyes etc x

[Little Monster]

pps How’s this for an opening statement ; "I am an arrogant, narcisstic (her sp not mine etc) agnostic girl who loves nothing more than shooting down idiots".

I really hope you cover narcissism in your course cos she'll soon drop that one from her list. As for anyone claiming to be arrogant and being proud of it, line em up so I can poke them in the eye. Pet hate, hobby horse etc. Am liking the agnostic thing but it's barely enough to redeem. I used to enjoy shooting down idiots but now I realise there's sometimes more fun in watching them for a while...... :twisted:

[A Yerbury]

She sounds like she would be quite good for bum sex but not so good for curling up on the sofa whilst the antiques roadshow works its magic. In the future the mad ones will come with dimmer switches for the time out moments, it's not about having knives thrown at you (butter knives but the one to the ribs caught me completely by surprise) still...I close my eyes and the universe disapears. Speaking of which have you tried that 2cb yet? do a google, it's a scream.


Yours biting a bloody chunk out of the earths crust.
Jimmy two shoes.xx

ps.I think I have some kind of cancer on my head? or it may be a rogue hair (when follicles go deep down and dirty) either way it's on my new list of things! cool!

[Richard_S]

Young Susan, I would appreciate it if you took your reason to another page as I am through with logic for one day.

Yours with a gold star x

[Little Monster]

ps.I think I have some kind of cancer on my head? or it may be a rogue hair (when follicles go deep down and dirty) either way it's on my new list of things! cool!

Get Mrs Jennings to attend to it with the tweazers m'love.

Best orf. The freshers aren't quite up to it yet and are only just warming up their brain cells. A break from reason?!?! What a ridiculous thing to say. It's always there, I just ignore/bend it whenever I feel like it.

night chicklets xx

ps - you all type too slowly - go study something useful x

[Richard_S]

It is all about the Gambit!

Pull up a stool for you can use my crayons anytime.

Yours potting the black with one arm x

ps bread knife? I have a fully-fledged meat cleaver. One needs all of the toys these days - 'Modern' women have evolved and on occasions even talk back.

pps drugs are bad etc

ppps I love women really (IMO)

pppps I am the fastest typer in the world but sometimes you just need to wait. Consider yourself spoken to etc x

[A Yerbury]

I have adjusted my idle speed to mogadon junkie mode. I did study touch typing for half of an english day, then I realised I was being very ridiculous and stopped. true btw.

Yours, with a bit of dribble, that looks like a diamond when viewed from the other side of the galaxy.

PJ.xxx

[Richard_S]

with a bit of dribble, that looks like a diamond when viewed from the other side of the galaxy.

Metaphysics and the ultimate nature of reality (for dummies) is on Fridays - down boy etc

yours at the helm with a very worried looking jump seat x


ps Apparently I have good ‘bench’ positioning. 39/45 etc

[Richard_S]

Back at the Ranch the outlaw outfit is waxed, leathered and pressed.
The stars are also out in numbers once again this evening and on balance it is generally OK.

I had to use headlights earlier (boris has bulbs etc) but at 6.05pm I had a little moment in a very chilly sort of a way. 88 shopping days left etc (a zymol bum bag is going begging) but I am trying to avoid all nonsense laced with Cherry Brandy this year. I tried to conc ock a ‘yerba matte’ (seriously) earlier but was left with both gristle and a funny head. Still, its not about acquiring expert skills in the art of the provision of hot beverages. Higher things, greater goods, larger fish tanks etc.

Nobbing with the Nobs tomorrow (PCGB AFROL DVLA UKGOV module 8.9 is being held at HQ) so its a day out and a chance to meet some more fools. I have a novelty abacus on hand but eye poking continues to remain a good option. Then back, tube, ethics (on a Friday - crazy world ) and perhaps an announcement offering a social refreshment to finish up. I simply cannot wait to get 10% off of something / anything and the photo is generally priceless.

yours being an even bigger boy x


Ps I do not expect to have to reply to myself again. I am a very serious man etc

Pps the bigknobs are currently on the costa playing with the new porker. I had more than a word, but in honesty do now regret informing WEP's unfortunately trendy general that we don't have the proper toys.

Ppps Given the hands across the ocean next door with regard to full frontal prowess I am having to have my hands cut off. Rough and smooth etc but I may slip a cheeky one in somewhere.
As a footnote I for one say that its a good thing. It is all about being naked and having a hobby. Big up to the crazy massiff etc.

Pppps I have a new monkey called Manfred. He would look better with a flat cap, but his head is straight and unlike one I could mention he does NOT have 'flid arms'.

[A Yerbury]

What you need this yule is one of these paddock stands, all the bigger boys have them for their gallery shots and mine are currently holding up two brace of Partridge (braces? partridges? swan?) No need to inform maam but it will be my job to pluck the no cluck corpses...and yes, they do have bloody eyes, thankfully I have an angle grinder albeit a small one (ethics wise they were already shot) I found a very meaty stash of blu-tack earlier and succeded in fabricating a scale model of Notre Damme, some of the gargoyles were a bit skew but thats how I like them, oh, and I gave Esmerelda some "Weird Science" style bazookas, we are all very proud.

The book club is dragging its heels as I seem to have a poltergeist, which/who has crippled 3 bed-side lamps? this has put the kibosh on "book at bed-time" fun, it is not about Laurie Lee with 60 (unflattering) watts, I did quite enough of that in HMP Pentonville thanks very much.

Anyway, thats quite enough of that.

Yours with an apple, a kite (in good repair), a dead rat, the string to swing it with and a dozen marbles.

Chet.xxx

ps.It is possibly about having a gnarly wizard on ones ****...but not this temple baby.
pps.Would Manfred not prefer a sombrero?
ppps.With regards your neighbours from heaven should you choose the glory hole route I have all manner of drill bits, should put a few K on your asking price, make sure you get the location location location right, it's not about tippy toes (Darcy Bussell excluded)
pppps.Not a tat shot but one that deserves as many airings as possible. Ladies, do not have kids! they will make you look like this...

[Little Monster]

except......viva espana!!! :bunny: The bikinis are in the suitcase, my toe nails have been freshly pinked up and I've limited myself to just taking 2 pairs of shades (it's only 4 days after all).

Hope it's rainy where you are (I meant sunny obviously, I just slipped on the keyboard)

mwoia mwoia

Lady Marmalade xx

[A Yerbury]

Is your life a Brigitesque exercise in vacuity? non stop holidays and frivolous shopping escapades? sorry my fingers slipped on the keyboard. Say ola to the girls.

[Richard_S]

I shall be digressing for the most part this afternoon, and in the spirit of the fair is fair mentality please do a left at this point. This will hold little value for you, unless of course you are you and in which case you may wish to secure some ice before you go any further. Blushing is art form, and although we both have rusty tentacles we should pause, remember and reflect for in truth we both know that it is a cloud the colour of sometime. Its best to save them up.

An ode to a world of occasions vis a vis Bad Man’s Bluff quantified

Thought it appropriate to mark the occasion with a few words, some casual and others not. Today marks a year (just about I think, time escapes me for the most part these days etc) since a sunny rendezvous encompassing an introduction to the joys of mountaineering, some choice ales and more importantly a series of moments that will almost certainly make the list. As Descartes said “I should wait until I should reach such a mature enough age to ensure that no subsequent time of life would be more suitable for tackling such enquires” and so for the time being the list is on ice and I continue to compile possible additions. Suffice to say that you are a man-made diamond, indistinguishable from nature’s and I hereby pat you on the back. This will undoubtedly produce a cough, a splutter and a finger wiggling moment (we are not dead we are just considerate etc) but we both have a lot to thank Mr Partridge for.
Yellow gold is plentiful compared to white-haired friends and I am glad to say that I wouldn’t have it any other way. I will be keeping my Golden slippers (I gave sugared tea up, one thing at a time etc) and I fully expect to perfect the art of levitation over the coming months. Space on the Magic carpet available in the meantime (obviously)

It is never usually about being obvious, but today I throw the curved ball of caution to one side a simply raise a glass. Ching Ching etc.

One from guardian of the faith to another

Ciao

Prof. Ralph x
Co-star and casual observer

Ps As a footnote these few days also mark another occasion, albeit a less cataclysmic one. Charlotte is 2 today!! (ish). We love you and your coloured wheels!

Pps we can now continue to bad mouth humanity from the tree house. Either that or bathe in the exquisite tragedy of their remote erotolachrymalia. I’m easy like Sunday morn etc, although in the immediate I have my weekly homage to all things proper. Its an upstairs moment...

Oh and I do expect a visit around the 31st – I should be of the cusp of being pimped and pumped and we have a certain celebration to attend to. Champagne and Cigars all round, with our handpicked go-go dancers hanging from the chandeliers by their chemises. Two working men, one world, how hard can it be?

Yours, not waving but dreaming

[A Yerbury]

chin chin boomerangs from the land of fools and ale, the chin chin factor is de facto rather splendid thanks to Mrs Victoria wine and her current buy 2 get one free, I threw myself at a couple of 11 quid Riojas and was once more belted round the chops with the realisation that sometimes expensive = better. Then I dropped one! I will employ serious face this evening and beg for another (he knows who I am etc)

Despite the screwed up facial expressions of certain family members, a funky aroma, and some gangreen on one of the little darlings, the patridge were top shelf. Next week pheasant. Game over and game on.

Yours with the kind of embarrasing gusto usually reserved for wacky dads...thumbs up!!

Mr Universe.xxx

ps.Happy birthday Charlotte, I do like those wheels.

[Richard_S]

Did the Dead Mans Shoes thing ; some vague moments but on the whole nothing special. Gas mask pose has to be hailed however.
'Carnages' was the pick of the 10 hour Sunday marathon - cheeky French number that is beautifully stuck together.
(IMO) you should avoid 9 songs at all costs - it may be hardcore porn with extracts from live shows at the academy but the worst 75 mins I have spent in a long time (I knew this before I paid Mr.Blockbuster but I was captured by the cover. Lesson learnt.) This analogy includes stubbing my toe and the subsequent cursing / nurse-maiding and finding out that TV’s Bungle has taken an overdose. She looked like a man. Nuff said.

Had a relapse on Friday with reference to the one who wants it all, on toast, with the crusts cut off. Need to keep myself in check really but can't seem to manage. Perhaps I need one of those sabbatical things where you break rocks with your teeth for 12 hours a day? Needless to say it will not happen again until the next time. Does teasing come under gross misconduct or any other employment law?

yours with 28 inches in the bedroom (his name is Goodmans) x

Ps I have gone all Guy Fawkes. It’s all a bit joined up and the tuft is coming along nicely. Apparently I look like a yorkshire type man - not true obviously but you know what they say about all publicity being good etc

Pps I took Penelope out at the weekend and now have a very sore bottom. Bikes without engines should be avoided, especially when after all that effort the abbotts is off.

[A Yerbury]

I still think it's worth a whirl as Paddy is a favourite and as you say gas masks = standing ovations. Carnages looks enticing and re: the songs, I knew this but 2nd opinions are always, well mostly, a very good thing particularly when dealing with cancer or cinema, the two C's as I call them. There are other lesser c's such as young Sam but it's not about the fish/barrel moments. A lump of Itlian arrived today (actually made in tunisia, Dianese I applaud your honesty as much as your tailoring and choice of flesh..and all this for 50 smackeroos!) needless to say I had a bannana feed zymol moment pre work and even did the heat gun thing -opens the pores apparently, bless. Explode me sideways this Rioja is fine and worth every pound...excuse me....ahhh.

As regards jenny darling I think that particular sin has yet to be ascribed? gluttony possibly, and maybe the other one that people forget...are boyfriends neighbours? I need to scan the small print before I comment further.

Tonight is mostly steak and parmesan rostis, I'll do the rice cakes in the next life, we single boys need to take our flesh off the bone....for the time being.

Yours with cold blue steel and sweet fire.
The penguin.xxx

ps.Art house? in Blockbuster? hurrah. Anything to put the willies up the little people (not in that way)
pps.Goodmans? 28 inches? patheric! -yet functional, and that counts for something.
ppps.I think I am going to buy a boat. Crazy world and I have wooden legs.

[Richard_S]

I don’t see any feckin ships etc (hey hey hey) but in truth that is probably due to the lack of my careful focus or as some would say “being a blind c**t”. They do seem to be having a bit of a moment (28 inches is less than functional in the wrong hands) and I may have to forage for my reading glasses later. “The languages of Logic” coupled with a glass of hot milk, candle wax dripped over the nipples and an electric blue telescope handed down from the early learning centre. All of the toys, most of them crusty, and the others stolen.

Yours with a medium slice of Cherry pie, (sadly that is not a euphemism) and my armbands dangling from the line x

Ps Nearer the time I’ll lend you my comedy eye patch (circa ’94) and the communal inflatable parrot (relax, I have weekends covered until '09).
Both currently in storage due to lack of use / hope but provided Tina rolls over all should be dandy. You will need to keep all that Hasselhoff related showmanship on the down low - know your audience etc with regards arm flexing / cannon ball exposes - the tide is no place for horseplay or playing with horses (er) and we haven’t even started those awes yet. Ill-timed bravado has been awarded a capital H, and the last half-c ocked sailor with a bent sword was quartered and used to make the ears for those little gelatine gummy bear wotsits. It is not about ending up on a shelf in life’s corner shop, being sold for a couple of hapney's to an inconspicuous oink. Or her next door, or that fat bloke over yonder. Children take note - Neon bears will be the death of you and your forefathers.


ps Dianese bananas? battered? with a blow torch? Pathetic!!

As a final thought DO NOT try to run up the stairs in flippers.
The dreams never stop.

In fact why not just become a vicar instead? Holiness could be considered admirable in some courts and think of all that arm waving! You could have your very own lectern, two sets of robes (with coloured collars no less) and a reason to get down and dirty with the parish organ. King Dong with a twist and more than one roly poly compo to judge (and no not that kind. In fact probably that kind too - religion has gone all modern these days) Crazy world.


Nb. Vicars / Sailors? It is all about the upbringing clearly (up-words vis a vis word association of the third kind)

[A Yerbury]

Been there done that (praise the lord) the swines threw me out! something along the lines of comme ca..


them:NO! you only colour in the first letter!
me:But why stop there? thats just calligraphic teasing?
them:Do you realise how long these things take!!??
me:That's boll ocks...and bad art.
them:Get thee to a monastery...oh hang on..
me:Jesus H...
them:Blasphemer!!!

And so it went on. The gits, still, the allotment was fun.

Yours with divine intervention and nighmares that never cease.

The reverend PLC.xxx

ps.I always run upstairs in flippers, a life half lived and all that.
pps.28 inches is probably adequate although these days it's all about the plasma cannon surely?
ppps.I had to edit that last f ucker 4 times!!! it's not about having kevin B pull one up on spelling. The git. Yes you Mr Peepy!!

[Richard_S]

Ditto. I also hated those fuzzy felt things. Apparently they were ‘J of the many’ favourites. Another clue for the case and another half empty crate of syrup spilled somewhere, anywhere, but probably on ceramic tiles in an arena with no idiot sign.

I have taken down all of the curtains and am parading round like a hippo pariah. I have the bubble lamp on (was a close call, I nearly lost my fish in the yucca plant earlier) and a spare 5-metre cable acting as a play thing.

Yours with a room with a view and a firm intention to thoroughly upset the neighbours x


ps I'll buy a plasma when Japan freezes over. Little bastards etc (IMO etc)

pps We are both missing channel four's wife swap. Again I scream.

ppps Apparently Flipper was a bad bad dolphin in his twilight years. It is a shame but I never liked that Sandy kid.

[A Yerbury]

balls, missed wife swap. hopefully they will repeat it tomorrow. I think all dolphins are bad, they just have good PR people. Reading via lava lamp is a bit touch and go, I gave up and collapsed on the floor whilst listening to under milk wood, then some prat (Sandy probably) unplugged his server so I missed the end. I think he gets the butler. Shame old Diogenes is now no longer amongst us as he could idiot guide some plato for you? personally I eschew the toga (In favour of the "crazy tache" a la Fred)

Yours with a transitional object.
Ned.x


ps.Free the fish, we will all become dust etc.
pps.A teddy bear is currently giving me the eye, both barrels and a cheeky wave (is there any other kind?)

[Richard_S]

I should be OK on the tutorage front....

http://www.acgrayling.com/

yours humbled and off to find my mummy x

ps make up with Helen on the morrow; responsible and reliable buttocks are hard to find these days. Its true.

pps Whatever you do don't move the label for her. Its not about going above and beyond until you get an honest backrub. More fool me etc

Ciao

[CraigMac]

Richard,
Are you sure that Prof Grayling is a real professor? He doesn't wear glasses and he hasn't got one of those mortor board thingies or a gown!
He sounds like a very nice chap and he is obviously very busy, but I would want to see some qualifications......
Take it with a pinch of salt until he's provided the goods...
Regards

[Richard_S]

Having met the man (both with and without his spectacles) I can vouch for his total badness. I told him (obviously) to which he simply said ; 'What's a VBM? It sounds good so I'm honoured to be thought one'. This is true btw (IMO etc).

It is all about reeling them in, especially the ones with humility in their portfolios when they quite obviously have no need for it.

yours with an ounce of righteousness and a new hero x

ps The last time I pinched something white I had foreign gloves thrust down my gown. Step away from the bear etc

[DesmoDog]

I should be OK on the tutorage front....

http://www.acgrayling.com/

yours humbled and off to find my mummy x

ps make up with Helen on the morrow; responsible and reliable buttocks are hard to find these days. Its true.

pps Whatever you do don't move the label for her. Its not about going above and beyond until you get an honest backrub. More fool me etc

Ciao

Hmmm interesting views on death. Do I take it you are to become a Phil? Master or Doc? Somehow, the thought of you rampant within the hallowed halls invokes a mild feeling of terror.

[Richard_S]

I like to think of myself as more of the avant-garde / crackerjack type, but all roads lead to Eden etc and I thank you for the heads-up.
Four years as a little man, then all being well and after further indoctrination I should get my own Trilby / eye glass and be able to masquerade as a proper clever chap 24/7. Here’s to heightened high living, an abbreviated alphabet and the right to bare very untidy beards.

yours with Plato as a door-stop, and an ID card containing a very distinguished pose (that’s what the man said anyway) x

Ciao

ps we are all going to die (IMO) so on balance it is probably best to take a view of some kind. It is not about being caught with your pants down at the final furlong. (Unless of course you go in for a bit of that, which is fine, just don't make a mess on my sofa etc)

[A Yerbury]

We all die?! In that case I'm going for the pants down pose. None of it matters, it's all an illusion and vanity is the curse of an idle mind.

Alex. VC, VBM and DOA

ps.Dolphins are evil.

[Richard_S]

Perhaps it is I who has missed a trick but this came up (crazy world etc) and I thought it prudent to share given your earlier comment....

the young Alexander the Great (356-323 BC) met Diogenes, who at the time was a very old man. The powerful young conqueror, being solicitous of the old philosopher, asked what, if anything he could do for him.

Diogenes simply replied, "Stand out of my sunshine."

Goes to show that eye-poking has always been a choice occupation.

yours with another "a-ha" moment for the memory banks and a well timed MMMbop x

ps streamlined fins? on Dolphins? in autumn? Pathetic!!

pps Apparently I am too far too affluent for any discount on my planned tube related purchases. Determined to beat the system I will cut holes in my khakis and start picking my nose (in public) as a matter of urgency. They are ALL bastards etc.
Nb TFL are right however.

ppps and one for the kids ; All mammals are warm-blooded and hairy :D

pppps obviously I do not mmmbop and neither do dolphins. I cannot speak for Diogenes though, but as "the first hippy" he may have been a longhair sympathiser. Roll on next week....

Jonas if you are reading this PLEASE exercise some general charisma on Friday. It is not about puffing your eyeballs out and harping on in a tone similar to that of a box of paperclips.

oh and I have been told that Hedgehog Heaven actually exists. Not by anyone credible I might add (phewffs all round).
Think the littlest Hobo with daggers. Exactly.
One should always try to find time for the little people. Even those bigger than you.

As a final thought I have just been beaten by a crane-fly. Pathetic. No seriously.

[A Yerbury]

My eyeballs are my stock and trade so keep the pokers tucked well away, I am not a pokee -obviously- but if you are having one of your funny turns I would hate to be caught in the cross-fire (friendly or otherwise) Hells bells what a dame Helen dropped by today, she had to do something with paperwork so left me (yes me) holding the baby! for ten minutes! in country parlance this gesture signifies "lets be friends and maybe one day you can rub lotion into my lower lower back" I hope, before I die and/or her buttocks head south for ever. Anyway, nice (ish) baby, I don't do baby voices which people find strange?...after all it's not about patronising a small person with no bladder control (in my book)

Yours with a get out clause and a monkeys paw.

Riley.xxx

ps.Whales can engorge their peni on a whim!
pps.Dolphins in captivity commit suicide.
ppps.Amoebas are habitual liars.
pppps.My mother is a whore.

oh, I have not mmmmmbopped in years, still, I see your mmmmbop and raise you a pair of no no no, no no no, no no no, no no no there's no limits.

[Richard_S]

My complete works arrived earlier and in the spirit of variety I have been nosing through whilst photographing my nipples.

Well done for not dropping the baby, or your trousers (sometimes the little man just nips off for 5 minutes before blind panic and oopsy moments occur), and I am glad that she is back and generally realigned. However as with every pleasure in the modern world it does comes with a health warning.
As a man caught up in a world of office based temptation I would suggest that you steer clear of the packed lunch in favour of a short, brisk walk in the countryside as 11sis. Hot flushes lead to bad tea and very awkward conversations, whoever is shuffling the paperwork.

yours plotting lyche on an axis made of sawdust x

ps It is raining etc before you all start

pps with regards to arranging the tools of the trade the Whale does indeed tick all of the boxes.
However obesity is no winner with the ladies (apparently).
Neither is looking like a man from the 17thC (allegedly).
Dolphins have the right idea (definitely).

ppps apparently I am contender for champion of the world next door.
I may bring my own damn helicopter next year. And no, it isn't blue.

pppps was that 2 unlimited on the remix tip? check your No No's etc (I have 8 times and still can't decide)

[A Yerbury]

nipples at room temperature? then worry not, if they are making a whirring noise then light 3 celebratory candles. The no's run 2,4,4,2 my mistake but I was dying when I wrote that, apologies to the people, the pope and the sky kid (hey I am only humanoid)

Yo mama.
AY.x
ps.Semantics, there is a world next door? scary thought, scary world.
pps.whither the lowly porpoise?
ppps.Can't stick around, my eyeballs need laminating with porography and I have a mountain of paperwork.
pppps.I lied, I have a mountain.
ppppps.well, a hill on a good day but it's a start.

[Richard_S]

The last time I made any sort of whirring noise the earth shattered to its core and the worlds small people were cast into an absolute oblivion. Thankfully my nipples were OK. My only concern was the entangled pincers that were ever so easy to create either side of the main feature. I may go mega-spiky next time (Julie Horne come on down etc), all in the name of God and what have you. Apparently there is a large underground movement devoted to the manipulation of the aforementioned. I stand firm on my earlier comments - It is ALL about the tongue.

Oh and I now have rescued my reading glasses from the lock up. Christ knows what possessed me to pack them away but hopefully tonight I will not need to squint whilst leaning on my elbows trying desperately to find a reasonable angle at which to peruse. I also had very warm toes at the time (fyi) and after my butterfly expo I didn’t make it as far as ‘the apology’. Still as a bitter, twisted, and throughly jaded hermit he can shove it. Generally.

Yours in search of a Utopian coat stand and a woman with a wooden petticoat x

In fact scrub that, I’ll take a Gizmo and the puzzle box.

Ps Chocolate or Fudge? - Clotted cream will be construed as a cop-out.

Pps there are two worlds next door. One is pink and one Purple and NO I don’t make the rules. That feckin Barker woman is to blame, alongside that other guy with the thick rimmed lapels. My world was orange, is now institutional white and will soon become the colour of hellfire. Mountain scenes (and goats) gratefully accepted along with a buyer for the current castle.

Pps I am not blind etc but the book in question has been printed on 'bible' paper (you know the stuff) in size 3 1/3 . We are not talking Times New Roman either.

Today's Gem...."It would only be worth worrying about if you were a worrier"

[A Yerbury]

Manipulating the aforementioned? I prefer manipulating the unmentionables (cough please) surprisingly easy to find on a warm day. I will be a pair of briefs as I am a busy boy today (don't laugh) and I have a pie to eat....

Yours flying by the seat of my TROUSERS, vpl's are for girls.

Bridget.xxx

ps.Ms barker wants shooting, in this world and the next.
pps.Just had to photograph a tractor thing -I had a whirl... career as a thunderbird beckons.
ppps.It's the taking part that counts (not sure about this one but hey...)

[nik_the_brief]

pppps was that 2 unlimited on the remix tip? check your No No's etc (I have 8 times and still can't decide)

I must be sad to respond to this issue but it's been preying on the apology for that which I laughingly (and very loosely) call a mind.

It's the right number of nos but the commas are in the wrong places.

It should be...

no no, no no no no, no no no no, no no there's no limits.

I see your no no's and raise you with a wop bop, bed n bop bop, bed n bop bop, bed n bop bop, bad daaa-aaay...

[A Yerbury]

"The no's run 2,4,4,2 my mistake" for one versed in legal small print beefy you should have noticed this one, I forgive you as I am a loving god.

Yours with a big black heart and the dandruff of angels.

Yerbrosity.x

[Nonnie]

Yes, the phoenix rises. It shouldn't but it does.

I see your formation but think the stakes are just way too high for me.

[Little Monster]

It is all about reeling them in, especially the ones with humility in their portfolios when they quite obviously have no need for it.

To use an extract from one of your new superhero's papers.... "Socrates liked to tease his interlocutors by saying that the only thing he knew was that he knew nothing." Would a humble man accept hero status? - discuss. Anyway, nice cravate. I would like to pick a few holes in a few of his statements but TBF, I've only scanned his brief articles and for brevity one perhaps has to make a few unsupported statements - as I'm unlikely to dip into his books I shall give him the benefit of the doubt re genius status.

"Is your life a Brigitesque exercise in vacuity?" :eek: Hey, I'm a people loving sometimes simple pleasure loving intellectual. Not sure what Brigitesque means actually but I'm guessing it doesn't correct slurs of vacuousness so I thumb my nose at you sir and generally chant 'jealous' in a childish manner.

yours with a few more freckles and booking another trip in the other window x

ps - congrats on your anniversary boys :rolleyes:

[A Yerbury]

We have an anniversary? hurray! paper, stone or velvet?

[Little Monster]

We have an anniversary? hurray! paper, stone or velvet?

aligator/snake skin surely?

[A Yerbury]

python, well spotted.

[Richard_S]

Lazy one liners? Jesus wept and then his eyes fell out etc.

I have my spectacles on the end of my nose and everything.

yours having a huff x

ps rattlesnake btw ; python skin fades in the sun very quickly (if you don't believe me then just ask Harry)

[A Yerbury]

I am trying to get drunk and only have the one pair of hands (should I worry?)

yours having a puff.

ps.well spotted.
pps.Rattlers are ten a penny.

[Richard_S]

I just catch my own, keeps the costs down.

Malcolm x

ps speak to the DVLA with regards to your problem. At the end of the call you will be compelled to end it all thus totally eradicating all of life’s problems. Make sure you have a grenade to hand for they have been known to include that chameleon song on there play list. If you get Mrs (its true, I don't know how) Mamood then go easy for I have already destroyed her world once today.

[A Yerbury]

press 5 for paracetamol and vodka, I catch my own too, French ones, the only paperwork I do involves love letters and Origami (at the same time, love is Crane, not a "winch" ..feel free to take notes ((more papier mache work but...)))

[Richard_S]

Are you seriously suggesting that I take my A4 jotter out? Surely it is all about portable storage? I am not talking knapsacks and tie-dyed cool boxes either.

yours with a too many things in too many boxes already x

ps Today I have regained control with regard to not going down the garden path without a spade. She has three weeks off and I will embrace the cold turkey approach, hopefully freeing myself from the troop. Manfred would be ever so proud etc

pps I never saw Morph with a notebook.

ppps Nobby 6 reckons he's some of sort of combat king next door. I thought that one needed to be over 6 inches tall to be allowed to wear khaki?
bang bang I shot his ankles etc is never going to win any wars or any world cups either for that matter.
I see your skirmish and raise you a race up the beanstalk you silly little man...

[A Yerbury]

a picture is worth 36 words, it's all gravy (according to Anais)

[Little Monster]

nice background!!!! :p

what colour is the top section? it looks bronzey.....

ps - interesting reading material for a dropped trousers moment

[Richard_S]

It is all about having your pants round your ankles etc!

Nice darts x

ps I would banana up the top left again but otherwise a true d ickinson bargain.

[A Yerbury]

Philip Roth and Anais Nin, an odd pairing but they do love it so. Imatra top is a sort of tungsten/gun metal bronzy black? very lovely, very bad man and very cheepo... 51 English pounds from Mr Ebay.

[Little Monster]

Philip Roth and Anais Nin, an odd pairing but they do love it so. Imatra top is a sort of tungsten/gun metal bronzy black? very lovely, very bad man and very cheepo... 51 English pounds from Mr Ebay.

ah, then a true representation. very nice. top bargain - absolutement. perhaps a new line in UKMOC cravates is needed - apparently it's the new VBM motif.

BTW - accidentally went to ukmoc.co.uk - try it - it's not the same site....

[A Yerbury]

no not the same site at all, in fact the reasonable/rational voice of Islam, which makes a change.

[Little Monster]

Friday was an interesting day.... nipped down to accounts this afternoon and got accidentally drunk (FD was leaving and there was a lot of alcohol to be found),....... then, I was dungeon master (or Mistress as I insisted on being called) for the I.T. dept (I have previously mentioned I am a friend of the geeks) for the treasure hunt of the day (one of the geeks has departed to do a Masters in creative writing - with my encouragement of course) ..........and also somehow managed to have inciteful conversation with a QC (aka flash barrister) this aft. All topped off with the second significant chaplet this week at the firm telling me to sit tight cos I'll be part of running it all in the next year. Whatever!!!!!!!!!...catch me before I'm poached I say - I AM all that after all.

Ended up getting chatted up by (to be fair, good looking chap although I had a strange vantage point but safe to say his nostrils were clean) a chap who was 6 foot 8 - yes, that's a foot and a half between us. I had a bad neck talking to him so trotted off to boogy! Ouch!!! Size 14 feet (I didn't ask but one of my goon pals did). Then repeatedly had to say sod off to architect pal who kept trying to snog me - what part of 'it's your round' did he not understand??

Anyway, on a far more important note.....my coffee man at Pret is called Festim and I get a week's free coffee if I work out where he's from in 3 guesses....I've wasted one on Albania (and Croatia isn't right either - long story) so get to work kids. If I blow the 3 guesses I get double charged for a week (well, obviously I'll wriggle out of that but it's a pride, not a money, thing).

ps - 'gem of the day' - best text of the evening......'can I cry in your garden of gesthemene' which I probably can't even spell but............what the f~ck

pps - for now, I sit under the mango tree but I do shy away from banana pancakes

ppps - I somehow exercised such slight of hand to acquire 14 subway stickers so that's a couple of free subways for me I think. Don't quite know how I managed it

pppps - I got a piggy back ride between bars - result!

[Richard_S]

Well I have had an unusually fascinating day - a day that on the surface should have involved little fascination at all. Shazam etc.

Got corporate earlier in sunny Crawley, the upshot being that I now have hangers worth being hung for and a set of fully functioning blinkers. Did a bit of secret squirrel ear wigging at various stations, the highlight being a ‘handing over’ boy looking at his prey, deadpan, and saying “Yes, these will become quite collectable over time”. I laughed (deliberately) and reminded them that they were discussing a four-stroke Piaggo ooter. (Nb. I committed ‘sc’ due to the lack of its importance). Apparently those classics will be in by Dec (burnt yellow as the man said is the one to have) but sense tells me that its not about £*+&$$ on the road. A man of simple pleasures, and I am less likely to roll an apartment (fingers crossed for the swans etc).

Two tykes were playing army amongst the Fireblades, bald, fat and ugly people passed out trying on Dainese (Tigga the clothing rep had more than one kitten), and I met an oink who has an S4 and took delight in telling me that he also runs “high level turmies”. They certainly do get about, although the Fila paintwork says it all for him. At volume. I was quite polite (he had a fifteen row keeper ring and working mans hands) and whilst he was insisting on having it collected and put round the back by “one of the spanner monkeys” I gave off the illusion of being engrossed in the book of Haynes. Engine Oil? As a consumable? Pathetic etc.

Stayed back after-hours last night to join the other contenders for a couple of jars. It could be about having a Philosophical pint, and as you are aware my horizons are always looking for evolution. We found Ale on tap and a maze forming part of an underground bunker. Would have been fine except I went off in search of sanitation and a hot towel. Mike likes his LSD and pulls off a lovely smile, Christine used to be a pretty little thing who could not only charm the hind legs off a donkey, but also put a jack through the chassis of her Cinquecento (once and all by herself). Alan has, apparently, got more steel in him than the building used to create that FrayBentos filth (fyi somewhere north of Watford) and is man of dates/times/places and other pub trivia. Apparently he has “changed his whole life” to be there – I held back from asking him about the robotic upgrades. Nearly died on the way home and only escaped by having a hopping moment. Also resisted the urge to put the light show on upon my return. A bloody miracle all in all.

Playing at white van man for the duration (Boris has gone Bonnie again) and sadly Nobby is still not dreaming, waving or smiling. He didn’t even want a chip.

Yours as the irrational voice of realism in a world of dune buggy's x

Change Islam? on the WWW? Pathetic !!

Ps. Juliette Lewis does well, check out ‘the licks’.

Pps. It is not about keeping your nose clean. BWP deducted x

[A Yerbury]

Ah, schools out breezers, Alan (I call him magneto) sounds like someone I once knew, only this one was full of aesbestos...dedication and all that. I was out and about earlier but I had the sonic muffs on so have very little to report, one of those eyes down for a full house of quiet life kind of mornings (despite two "blokes" reminding me it was the afternoon, thanks chaps...I was just being polite, next time I'll just grunt a bit) Got back and got busy with the shed and dirty man stuff, were it not for this sunny window I would be at the castle prodding Nobby with the cheery stick (leave it..) time is such a precious commodity these days. Managed to avoid the filth who are becoming increasingly....I don't know what? hiding behind a tree? I mean really...Malcolm should be defusing bombs (the yellow wire FYI) not playing at comedy cliche, after all this is not the Beano. Mrs Jennings has gone to watch Hamlet do his thing, the young lass is up to her eyeballs in italian vogue, the lad still irks and entertains in equal measure -although he now has a grand of neatly rolled twenties?! perhaps the business studies GCSE has given his pusherman status a bit of a push? I smiled, bless him. Currently ploughing through an Aussie Reisling, a lot of lemon and little else but nice all the same.

Yours with about 7 grey chest hairs, yikes and wow.

Bradley.xx

ps.She has always been a doll with a voice between poly-styrene and Mrs Cobain, she sings better than she writes but she roller blades in a thong better than both of the above...strange days indeed.
pps.subway? moshi moshi surely? baguettes are for other people.
ppps.re:the fatties in the Italians, they do don't they, and they never learn.

[Richard_S]

I am also struggling ref being a busy boy. I was up before noon today (thank christ I have tomorrow off to relax etc), collected the post (complete with oooowwhhh sound bite) and then had to go to the shop. I say **** milk - it is not about first thing anywhere without either a beach or the waltons a few doors down.

yours having given myself the night off (Everyone needs a little bit of me/you/us time)

JimBob x

ps are your sonic muffs tungsten?

pps I have been looking for a filthy picture of a nymphet in a gas mask to complete the K&N step-by-step guide. Lucky for you (well not for you) that I found nothing suitable (suitable yes, sensible no).

ppps I have a video of himalayan snow monkeys building snow men. All the toys, some of them now broken.

pppps have you noted that the men have done some jiggly with regard to the final count? Its like watergate all over again and I will now NOT be bringing my helicopter. Game, set and match / burn them at the stake etc etc.

[A Yerbury]

they are a bit kinky boots (they have their own lube and everything....red natch) plus the crank breather has butt plug qualities.

Carter.xxx

ps.no silly billy, carbon look.
pps.RE:The prince of Denmark, it all ends in tears.. you snooze you loose and ghosts never lie.
ppps.I have a video of snowmen "building" young Aled Jones.
pppps.If you have a shot of the Himalayan fellow in the hot spa please FWD, reasons to be cheerfull and not walk into the sea etc..

[A Yerbury]

have not noticed that although the "your location" has been magicked (sp?) away, which is fine as FTTB I have nothing hillarious or brow napalming to add to that.

Yours with a copy of National Geographic tucked way up high.

Gertrude.xxx

[Richard_S]

I was also thinking of getting a wrap of crushed roses for one side and a flay for the other. Great minds etc.

Hot tub no, hat yes. Life is all about the compromise after all. His mittens could do with a higher grade of airbrushing but this we come to expect. It's all rush rush rush these days; no time for finesse, the undressing of the eyeball or the perfecting of bobble hats.

Yours with Kevin little next door and Bugs Bunny on the shelf x

ps the prince of Darkness is not very scary. I did warn Mike but he was distracted by making crazy patterns with his toes in his ears.

pps oops ref carbon fibber faux-pas. I simply thought that you were bringing something of greater grandeur to the fold. I stand corrected etc.
I will be chasing Madam Italia next week - its all about weight saving apparently - and Charlotte needs more beautiful cones.

ppps You are now in check. I pulled off a couple of cheeky moves earlier (not my fault you wern't looking etc) and your no longer looking good for Grandmaster. Even your pastor was in tears.

pppps Please shoot me in the face if I ever write about my pacemaker. Some things should be kept private.

[A Yerbury]

RE: no, I am not f ucking a robot, it has not got that bad (or good) ...just yet, only a few months since my last excursion, besides I have my peepers on Suzanne from Utah, she let her hair down on Friday, weight wise the has been sheeding not saving.

Yours wishing K&N made cigarette filters, I appear to have run rather dry.

Mowgli.xxx

ps.nice mitts, it is a bu gger when the hues don't tally up though.


as if by magic.. http://news.bbc.co.uk/media/images/40655000/jpg/_40655495_gall_monkey_apok.jpg

[Richard_S]

Allan Whicker is a dragon fancier btw. Don't ask.

yours with an insight and some yogurt x

ps he pays extra for the yellow ones. It is not about being a dirty bastard when it comes to wings and/or multiple legs.

[Little Monster]

It really IS all about the clean nose when you're my height - visit the land of the giants and you may begin to understand.

One from the spain portfolio for you. Don't get giddy, it's not girls in bikinis. I don't know what the sign says and TBH don't really want to know but the idea of emergency bingo tickled me - stoooooopeeeed eeeengleeeeesh toureeeest x

ps - I once put a jack through the chassis of my Mini Metro

pps - I hope you're all working hard on Festim's likely origins - it really is all about winning. Many thanks.

[A Yerbury]

I have a lot of time for Allan, keeping it mad dogs and blazers, the last of a dying breed, his passing shall not go unlamented.. occasionally displaying the kind of international tact and diplomacy that would make Prince Phil blush but hey, he pays extra for the green ones. The world in a box, colour me pandora and go easy on the wasabi, it's been a very long day and I have the list to prove it. This is the sound of a man with a grand piano, an anvil and "1 ton" placed on his skull, if you're gonna go..go with a smile.

Noah.x

ps.Stoppard is the man but apparently his son has very thin legs and does the Iambec P like...well, it's not about the "hmmm, he does sound a bit like William Hague?" Hamlet? little thighs? mum's shacked up with weird beard uncle and pater still a few degrees above the perma frost? sorry Ophelia?! busy day at the office....pathetic.

pps.Good night kiddy blinkers everywhere, may your dreams be moist and terrifying.

[Richard_S]

Speaking of solace, "I like going to the beach and building sandcastles for you"
What a concept, hand me the spade etc. Mr Whicker was on my list, but that guru Murphy chap has since realigned my tentacles. Kindling the wood and preparing the lies, albeit in a gentlemanly like tone, is not to be applauded. One could blame the implant, but that would be too easy, and HRH ('Phil' could never be a ruler of note with such a moniker) would be wise to brush up on his Latin. Im not going to spell it out for you...

yours with too many questions for a Sunday - none of which require an answer x

ps the land of giants sounds like a scary place ; I’m thinking the beanstalk phenomena cut with a hereditary scoff? Are we talking cookie monster style myths? does such a place exist? can one use stilts etc? Please advise.

pps girls in Bikinis simply aim to provide exasperation. We must not study ourselves while having an experience etc, although the experience is better sans the bikini and with various swatches of fabric of the elastane variety. And no I am not talking bungee pants.

Does this woman appear to be concerned etc? Exactly.

[A Yerbury]

There was a time in my youth when it was always summer, the days stretched out like lazy panthers and all around was the pink glow of attractive metropolitan types with time on their hands and booze in the other hands...suffice to say 1 sunday amongst six others spent with a head full of mosquitos leaves me pining for the "play the system for all it's worth" era...may have time for a bath later with bedtime in the usual alloted spot. Ho Hum. To compound issues further, Friday -despite my very best intentions- was not the most constructive (rock, hard place, time flies, aeroplanes crash and a very dead line) The plan was to arrive tomorrow morn with some timber (4 planks of 2 x 1 if you must know) for no other reason than to throw them off the scent and acrue brown ale points, since Focus is now sleeping I shall have to make do with a new facial expression, and, at 34 I appear to have run out (I only ever really had 7 good ones in any case....most not appropriate in fact quite the opposite) we'll see.

Had a bit of a tussle with the wheels earlier which included a mental row with Ducati, they did put things in the most stupid of places and despite my ever increasing shed of toys some things defy reason, logic, prayers and blood sacrifice. Silly sods.

Mood temp lightened via the medium of beaujolais, sure its a poofters tipple but the gentle mix of blossom and honey seems to be working its very own brand of shazam. cheers ladies.

I will be on the phone to Paul later of Keihin FCR fame, just to iron out the postman pat factor, I think I will go for my Alec Guiness, Brian (bless him!!) Blessed or Mandela (you know the one... sounds a bit welsh to the untrained ear)

Yours with an AK lashed to the futon and a yearning for world peace and a blow job (not in that order, I have needs etc)

Omar.xxx

ps.If you need to keep your hands warm then shove them up your bum.
pps.At what point does a piece of wood cease to become a plank?
ppps.Are thumbs fingers? if so have a couple...on the house like
pppps.Nice rocking chair action BTW, I could do with a bit of that, in fact I shall attempt it now. Green office furniture? Patricia Arquette..(heavenly breasts)

[Richard_S]

Master Y has been keeping me amused and entertained by the regaling of his latest tall tails, only occasionally letting himself down. (if you offer yourself up as a moral man with regards to abandoning the supermarket and its generation of “every little helps creates the 150ft Havana” esparadiso then you will catch my attention. Everyone likes to romanticise vis a vis the high street greengrocer and the opportunity of choosing your own speckled loaf. Going on to say that you plan to move your custom to JS makes you look more than just a little bit silly however).

He has also been boozing and baking (the size and shape of Imperial leather only larger by all accounts) and found a lady of the night (think Ritzy’s Liquefied) who dunked her ‘chicken fillet’ into his elongated goblet of coloured misery and went on to giggle. He didn’t know her but had heard the stories – two spotty men, in a gravel pit with a seven-day store – and did quite well to avoid. It is OK btw, I knew not of this euphemism until this very afternoon. Apparently they are the latest in portable pouting provision and big with girls of all ages. (Knowing the clientele of said establishment I could probably tilt my hat his way but I am currently trying not to be a pervert in public). Anyway, before you cry out with joy you must be aware that they are simply silicon jelly packs that you stick up your jumper (I am not decreeing etc just laying out the stall). Word on the street is that they come under the heading of ‘necessity’ if you have an issue with regards to both small boobies and a small purse. I say no ladies; it will never be about stimulating and attempting to titillate a bag of bogeys. Disappointment is one thing, but being fooled into thinking and believing that even breasts have been ruined in these here days is simply shameful. It shouldn’t be about having to save up enough stamps for the full ‘Rambo’ treatment either. I am a man happy with a solid set of hips and a derrière that exudes both tension and impressive breeding. The true man wants two things: danger and play. For that reason he wants woman, as the most dangerous plaything. Breasts are a feature, not a replacement. Take note.

We went on to make some rubber Cookies, the crunchy kind as opposed to the doughy ones (I wanted dough you understand but I am trying to be a good man) and I have now sent him packing into the cold wet night to fall asleep in a fire with gravy trickling down his neck. What goes around comes around etc and you need to break the occasional omelette to secure your weekly playtime.

Natalie, his Achilles heel in terms of judgement, has been scouting suitable places of worship for them to frequent and has settled on a sunny parish (no on-site graveyard) somewhere in some hills. It seems that in order to be married within the house of God these days, one must actually attend that house regularly. On a Sunday no less and before 10am. If it were me I would just build my own house but so few of us are perfect.
As a final thought I felt it necessary to inform him that when the plate passes by, he should not attempt his usual ploy of ‘ I am beating the system by bringing my own refreshments’ and instead opt for the caring sharing Christian guise that he could no doubt emulate - JimBob joins Gods waiting room battling with cheap-skate syndrome.

Other than that Life continues to complicate and the ‘If you get caught with that you’ll be ****ed for fifteen years’ statement takes on a whole new meaning with every passing moment.

Yours with an organic vanilla desert with a sprinkling of sweet black magic x

Holy water? from a blind man? with an organ? Pathetic !!

[Richard_S]

Ps he has ordered a solid oak side gate in the medieval style. There is not ****ing about and then there is being a knight of the arched forest. I rang my bell at him and everything...

Pps I had a cack handed cone moment earlier that resulted in…”that sounds like a set of broken bagpipes”…. A little harsh I thought, but then patter cake has never been my staple of choice. Higher things, lower jabs.

Someone has just rung the house to speak to John Sellers. He sounded Irish. Should I worry?

[A Yerbury]

I have encountered the fillet, albeit in a professional capacity, Minogue shoved them down (not up) her jumper (well, more of a crop top actually and knowing this stuff does not make me friend of Doris, it just helps with the small talk) but yes, and no no no....birds eh? I can't speak about supermarkets for legal reasons, suffice to say that waitrose has the best to offer with regards clean housewives with a dash of filth around the mascara. Enough of this, I smell like a Mitchell brother and the candle-lit bath beckons.


Yours with tommys knockers.
Toyah.xxx

Ps.the little ones girlfriend has a face like a potato, a nice potato but still a potato.
pps.Yes, worry, but given the predicament you will just have to bite the bullets, unfortunate turn of phrase but I believe IRA code words are very 1997 so you should be A-OKAY, I'll light a candle.

[DesmoDog]

We all die?! In that case I'm going for the pants down pose. None of it matters, it's all an illusion and vanity is the curse of an idle mind.

Alex. VC, VBM and DOA

ps.Dolphins are evil.

Christ, i thought I was to live forever. RE: the dolphins, they are not evil, only trained to deliver death (according to other threads anyway).

Grey people monitor my telephone conversations and don't tell me beforehand.

[A Yerbury]

Dear John...(Sellers)
Managed to miss the west end pork boys (once more) on the way in, caught you on the way out, a bit late though as they say...left a bouquet and a severed finger although no doubt devoured overnight by feral children. All in all a rather trying day shooting bath suites of the Elton/Gaddafi/Hussain variety.... still, if you need a solid gold bog roll holder you know who to call. It's all about "chromotherapy" apparently, this came as no news to me, I have always been a very big mover/shaker with regards coloured fairy lights.

The young fool is currently after a pipercross'd up polo, this one "eats gti 2 litres for breakfast!!!" -his exclamation marks not mine, and why anyone would wish to do this is beyond me...lab rats the lot of them.

No monsters but I did bump into Eddi Izzard, he remembered me too, which was a nice addition to stomping up Wardour street.

Yours with love potion number 9.

Neslon.xxx

ps.Helen addressed yours unruly as "babe" should I worry?
pps.Beard was a bit Omar the other day, still I was loitering outside dubyas embassy with a tripod. No harm done etc but the boys in kevlar (Malcolm, Dave and Gary) seemed a bit twitchy..

[DesmoDog]

Eddy Izzard? I know a woman who looks really scarily like him. If only she had a personality.

Personally, I love ot over indulge in the old excalmations!!! But I guess a little of what you like can lead too far and soon it'll all go **** up (as they say in Sweden, and to my understanding they say a lot!).

Looking forward to a clear weekend and the eventual preparation of storing - considering selling the bike (Mr's D want's me to buy a caterham).

Word to the wise. Don't work on a firing range and then try to board a plane. The Danish really don't like it - although Sven is impartial (apprently). I wasn't shooting baths though.

Yours Collingwood (see how that fine chap etc. set. - I could tell you the truth behind it, but it's only of interest to Naval Architects and regional reporters wanting to diss this fine recollection of English go gettemism, the hacks)

[Richard_S]

A crazy week starts with a series of tingle tingle moments (I have been scratching a lot this week – IMO obviously) and I have come to more than four separate conclusions. None of them are quantifiable (incontestably) but in an attempt to ensure that I never put my foot down (on myself) I have embraced the encapsulation of it all. You’d rather be at home? Marketing gone mad I say but there does appear to be some visual treats on the on and up (Christine is a anarchist btw) and normally I would undoubtedly use the ‘bulls/horns’ euphemism here. However for once I won’t lay down a few open-ended boggles, for as frank would say, I just feel like telling a few tales instead. A man of the moment and a man who consists of the sum total of his thoughts. I got a petrified smiley face for that one earlier (I was being ironic etc) but Baz is an OK sort of a chap. We joked for the prescribed duration and I gesticulated in the manner of man who likes to get carried away once in while. It is Friday after all and I intend to keep half a bone in for the little folks (big heart, crazy world). No issues on the Eastern front either, which although encouraging does demonstrate the general apathy of the circumstances themselves. Jonas had his pants pulled down (and not in that Danish way before you ask) and despite the panic of the day (stop press: the new porker looks just like the old one again) my feet remained dry and Boris went location mad. Other points of note include a double bill my new art house sanctity (she is a darling etc), being likened to a pussycat with sideburns (bless the youth etc), diffusing a couple of gob s hites in a tube full of the undead and possibly finding a study-buddy (it’s a purely a plutonic psychedelic arrangement). With three weeks under the belt I have got the lap dog down on all fours and am keeping it real. Mr Gold-y-lookin chain (wtf etc) gave it a wide berth (scared of the crowd perhaps) but that equates to falling at the first hurdle. If you don’t eat your crusts then it is all for nothing and its not about that.

Booked my unrelated turkey escape (It is not about pulling actual crackers with actual people at Christmas) and the prospect should remain as a little pleasure to keep me tucked up for the foreseeable spattering of dark mornings. Boris has found a home (it is north of the Watford) and so all being equal I can become a drinking man, the kind with red cheeks and an inclination to carry out general red-related cheekiness.

Managing to stay free and clear ref toast girl (a new found sense of sense) and having secured the fist two weeks of next month for moving purposes (I am not a man who runs with boxes etc), by the tine we next meet I will have a face like the wolf man and enough arrogance to eschew the paraffin burner in favour of clouds of blue smoke generated by the way of the forefingers. That’s the plan anyway. That potion number 9 sounds a bit too tricky to me at present - meat and two veg etc, preferably before speed testing the new wings.

I have my final inspection of the asylum next week and all being well with the landscaping of the shrubbery I will be needing you for arty related moments around the 13th. Unlucky for some, but I have a big stick and am prepared to share. We can take turns to use the Sauna though as men of the world. Pencil me in with a pencil, and make it a proper one (pencil that is).

As a final thought I will never dip my toe into a pond shared by absent merited fools who come in sizes under 4ft 9. I did my bit (finding that a lot of late) and remained placid. I’ll hold the door for any lady (I am a nice guy etc) but some of them really don’t deserve anything more than a firm talking to.By their fathers and on a Sunday afternoon.

[Richard_S]

yours skipping through my very own botanical gardens, and occasional offering up a twirl or two x

Ps flighty fidgety females? Pathetic !!

Pps don’t even get me started on those bloody nothing nothings. NuroDisney analogies are one thing but bringing linguistics into it is just a little crass.

Ppps sold the castle again today apparently. Mr Kelly if you are indeed out there and listening please be assured that I be issuing fatwa’s in the event of the further greying of my chest hair. Here’s hoping that you are not the perverted one either (IMO etc)

Pppps Nicola claims that my glove storage solution is a bit odd ; something along the lines of a display fit for the house of Goldilocks? I didn’t mention the bears (she is only flesh and blood and the last curiosity I took to show and tell ended up in a court case) and lied about the accidentalness of it all. Bottom line is, do I need to bury anything anywhere? Concern is no substitute for radish here I fear.

Ppppps Omar sounds like a lovely chap, does he sign?

Pppppps I can recommend the Caterham as a frivolous bolt on but a man needs all of the toys in today’s play ground. I know someone who knows someone who is having a baby ffs. Explain that without a roof and two too many wheels.

Ppppppps I found a pork pie on the doorstep thurs am. It had the shape of a vanity mirror and the face of a troubled U-bend? Its all a bit hazy but bless your heart nevertheless.

I have been told that free association vis a vis the 2000 word barrier should be embraced. I pointed him southward and left it with a challenge ; my moose has bigger ears than yours etc. We'll see.

Impressive wink btw, but as a VBM I can, and infrequently do, flick both at once whilst keeping a line open.

Oh and less is generally more these days. Spreading that love with the footsteps of a lion takes it time. Arete begins with an A in this household.

Helen is a babe, they generally are according to the man with half a something or other. I aspire to deal in weights only (I could add something here but I won't. Its probabaly true but we all need our internal cuddles).Ciao.


Hang on matey I have six hundred boxes of those next door!
I'll get my calculator etc.
www.curses.gov.uk.org.backflip.etc
Lock up, locked up and generally locked. Who knows. I hope not to.

[Little Monster]

Interesting, is there a direct correlation between dearth of facial hair and arrogance levels? I always thought Rolf Harris was a thoroughly humble chap but that Yosemite Sam is one smug big bearded mofo. 2000 words should do it.

Is it Matthew Kelly buying your house? Tonight Matthew I will mostly be throwing mean looks at people and polishing my leathers.

ps - my 25 year tea ban has been broken....by accident. still think it tastes weird but kind of good.

pps - fruit teas are probably another 25 years off though. Drinking hot flowery water - eugh!

[A Yerbury]

I have decided that the world does not quite cut the proverbial Dijon, I have had words in all the right shells but I'm not holding my breath....on the plus side the underground bunker construction (despite early planning hurdles-beaurocrats!!) goes from strength to strength, the Lunar portal is now complete as is the cloning device/genital manipulator/cerebral tickler/foot spa/trouser press/teasmade/dirty bomb...Currently stockpiling Taylor Bow mpegs, horlicks and industrial sacks of Mau Maus, this is the real thing and we are not "farting around"


God speed and God bless.

Yours with a water purification system and dos fingers!

tiddles.xxx

[Richard_S]

There are four kinds of people, three of which are to be avoided and the fourth cultivated: those who don't know that they don't know; those who know that they don't know; those who don't know that they know; and those who know that they know. An appropriate point of note in such circumstance.

yours with a Jesus beard akin to that of a snow white flamingo x

ps with regard to lunar portals I am more inclined to head downwards into the abyss first. Spacemen have funny metabolisms and I advocate mastering the flippers before showing off ones new found and generally short-lived weightlessness. Dead mans cigarettes etc.

pps Rolf Harris is a faker.

[A Yerbury]

No!! to quote Yazz, the only way is up. Remeber I grew up in a jungle and a desert so I am au fait with the flipper, the mask and the snorkel (this is in the days of rubber...none of yer silicone tat) I have a lot of time for space and weightlessness in general, like an infinite hump B bridge made of orgasms.

Yours with a bomb labeled "bomb"

Mr Bongo.x

ps.he is also a fatty.

[Richard_S]

I always held Yazoo in a much higher regard. The seemingly necessary evil of 'timelife' and other box-set chains have escaped me thus far, but who knows what I will find when I empty the final cupboard of sin. The third drawer down of the dresser had a whole pair of someone elses socks in ffs. Possibly those of an actual to goodness stranger. Where do some people get off etc.

yours with a short circuit and a cosmic vaporiser x

ps my wife really liked the Egg Moglai masala. Thanks again.

pps boot cut denim remaining elusive.

ppps beware the jungliest massive. Our friend Mr.Skibadee never fully recovered from that twitch.

pppps does Helen have a tail? I'm not worried you understand but I have been asked to ask the question. People only know what you tell them etc. (tbh I'm hoping for tales of tiger stripes and furry ears)

[A Yerbury]

she has a tail, yes oh yes..although TBH I can do much better, this pond aint big enough etc etc.

his nibs.x

ps.Lee Cooper? Bootcut? 20 pounds? MATALAN??!!...pathetic!....go on, I'll have some socks too.
ps.My wife loved the tripe soufle, more please.

[Richard_S]

If I had my way you would be betrothed more than the two aforementioned olive groves. We all know that the tree Gods have got it easy but no one carries disco muffs like that anymore. Take me back to Greece etc.

yours with a handful of coconuts and a tin of face paint x


ps I have a fruit cake and have eaten half. This is not a test etc

pps can someone please explain the reasons to me? My last PM seems to have arrived at tea time? Thanks, I am no longer jittering etc.

ppps Fibreglass Faberge ? It’s that bloody London again Al.

[A Yerbury]

I am very pleased that you like my headphones (or cans) Whitechapel market, 5.99 and still going strong, some of the bigger boys tease me but mummy says to ignore them, it's old playschool baby.. I haggled and received a coconut for my trials. Tea time?! don't get common with me. I have 3 slabs of salmon that I am about to consume with wasabi, ginger, soy sauce and aplomb (twix bar for afters/sweet/pudding or "dessert" as we say north of the poverty line)

I think I should learn the cello? what do you think? I have the swaying/eyes closed thing down to a fine art.

Anyway, I am now going to go and play with some matches.

Yours with angels at my feet.

Al Dente (flash git).xxx

ps.The oak was dedicated to Jupiter and Cybele, the sea pine to Bacchus and Pan, the olive to Minerva, the laurel to Apollo, the myrtle to Venus, the ash to Mars......etc.
pps.I have constructed a small wooden horse, I hope Helen gets the reference.

[CraigMac]

Alex,
I noticed on your last post, that you have a mate...Al Dente...Is this his business name...I take it, it must be...Can you ask him how much it would cost to remove one of those parking dents from the passenger door of my car.
I take it he knows what he's doing, is he part of a franchise, like those dent devil people and if so can he take fag burns out of seats??
You said he's a bit of a flash git, I only want him to fix the dent and the fag burn....not pimp my ride....

Concerned and a bit worried....

[A Yerbury]

He is a bit pricey TBH Craig. With regards to fag burns in your seat may I suggest a skin graft? or just lay of the kinky stuff for a while? (perhaps you forgot your "safe word") The outer dermis should heal itself within a few days.


All the best.
Al.

[Richard_S]

The cello is a marvel of the 'ancient' world and I give it the big tug on all counts.

On a slighter darker note I have been evacuated this evening, and not to a refreshing countryside retreat either. A man left a pair of Clarks in our carriage earlier, and apocalyptic worry ensued throughout the station and probably the whole of West London. I offered to try them for size (aspirations of Herculean like heroism etc) but was refused (point blank!) and told "that they really could be anything, and they needed to be thoroughly inspected".
FYI LU ; No one uses those green M&S bags in either espionage or combat related tom-foolery these days. Safety generally comes in the form of sense (write it down, make it as a buzzword etc - I am not a man of selfish self-help)
I held back from the Philosophical mind/body/moron problem and just said a prayer. It was a prayer incorporating my hopes for the next world and also a prayer for any terrorist who was/is unfortunate enough to be running around terrorising sans slippers and with a set of chafed wigglers. Cold feet = Cold toes and it is not about that, regardless of disposition.
Still not wishing to cause a scene or be labelled as either an anarchist or a Muslim (I am borderline bushy at present) I resisted rolling my sleeves up, taking one in each hand and slapping his silly face with them. Highlights went on to include moving down a whole carriage, which on reflection turned out to be a fantastic time to grab a seat. Its all about rush-hour legroom etc.
We were kept informed (hey hey hey) by Daleks who were for the most part talking in a dialectic similar to that of an under-the-weather mute. I am prepared to give a half tick here, effort is an effort in anyones camp.
Once the stationmaster and his collection of antique (and somehow still official looking) Fontaine Sisters LPs gave the all clear the signal boy repeated the message “shoes are shoes and these are shoes” to a public of sweat and alarm. I hope to God not to be on a train when any of these fools discover beanie hats. Crazy world.

yours being as unsafe and vocal as possible x

ps I hope never to have experience of a burnt bottom. I’m not a bad guy etc

pps Underground Paranoia……the next prodigy record.
You heard it hear first etc

ppps Craig, I had my safe-word related vocabulary removed by a process of new-wave electroshock therapy. Being a kinky bastard should not involve safety (IMO and probably as I have only lost one toe thus far).
Its a thought, I have many mostly.

pppps ownership of the shoes (as far as I am aware IMO etc) remains a mystery. Were they yours? I am a overdue a beaver badge and could use YOUR help.
No Muslims were deflamed in the making of this verse (etc) but it is worth noting that they do have feet and may shop in Marks. Try not to worry.

[Little Monster]

Alexis - I think you could even pull off the harp. Great eyebrows for the flute though also. Choices, choices.

xxx

ps - RS said 'wigglers'. Don't know why but it made me laugh.

[A Yerbury]

It maybe that Jihadis -like the rest of us- (well me if I am sans a well heeled waitrose) do their main shop at tescos and just do M&S for "bits"?

John Stitch.xxx

ps.You were lucky to find a complete pair (tres collectable) I only ever seem to find one soggy trainer?...usually on a railing? what's that about?

pps.I have some ducati tap water, used hankies and nitrogen molecules for sale!! (in carbon) pm me if you are interested as I only have 63 sets left.

ppps.Thanks Peggy Sue, I rather fancy the yukelaile, although I need to learn how to spell it first.

[A Yerbury]

If you own a grey horse don't give it a pink waistcoat thing, that really is not on at all.

Yours getting flora and fauna a bit mixed up (again)
Mr Chips.x

ps.A bike show? with bikes? in Birmingham?....I'll take the pink waistcoat.
pps.I am currently so relaxed I think I am 1/3 dead? no chemical manipulation either...unless £2.99 Chardonnay counts (I don't usually bother with the stuff but this one has cream, spice and pace as opposed to tasting like an oily tree)
ppps.If you own a pink waistcoat don't give it to a grey etc etc etc.

pppps.Kafkas diary for june 2nd, 1914........"Germany has declared war on Russia. -swimming in the afternoon" It's all about keeping a bit of perspective.

ppppps.Pull of a harp? ho ho..a few harpies have pulled me o.....(thats enough doble e's please bob -predictable text ed)

[Little Monster]

Little trip to Amsterdam for Little Mon booked. Pal I'm going with is a Partner in a law firm specialising in commercial property stuff and a bit of coroner type stuff on the side. She keeps her dark side outside the office. :twisted: I shall of course be introducing her (and me in fact) to space cake. Tra la la la la.

Saw Patrick Kielty last night - in a stand up comic context. Pretty funny. I liked the photos he took at the Pope's funeral - anyone that sick and disrespectful is funny in my book. Joan Rivers on friday which I need to rest up for - the woman's hilarious.

ps - it's comedy week if you didn't know (at least up here it is)
pps - i believe it's also national cheese week (how funny that new member 'Cheese' should introduce himself at a time like this
ppps - speculation has it it's also national sausage week......not sure they merit a week but that's just my opinion.
pppps - no one said 'wigglers' today. But someone did describe me as 'diddy'. hmmm.

[Richard_S]

Right, job is a general guddun and I have slipped out of my provocateur pants and into something a little more comfortable. Nothing of note to note (a day of ease etc) but in the spirit of pasteurised continuality I shall introduce my new plaything.

yours shackled somewhere fortunate x

armbands? with stabilisers? on a brum brum? Pathetic!!

ps I do not own anything pink or any grey mares but I will file all the same. I am running short of room on that particular list, but perhaps I can find some space underneath the heading of 'planned geriatric misbehaviour'. Into the dust we will journey etc

Mike of technicolour fame puts on a magic show for a day group of skitsophrenics tomorrow. He says he knows the score but I can't help remaining troubled. I have agreed to go along to help out with the canopies and cheese board (heaven points) and I would appreciate any pointers?!

pps I would recommend all things magical whilst on the European prowl. I did very well all in all, only falling into one canal. I was moon walking on a freshly waxed dream apparently, so I would be ware of that particular strain. My victim laughed, I did some butterfly (IMO) and then I got medieval with her later that eve. Sweet revenge can be purple (its true) and I will be packing my whistle this time round. On the subject, I am weighing up the options viz. the big day - do the Dutch do bucksfizz? Normally I am force fed battered vegetables and badly made snowballs but I am hoping for an old fashioned (and very well deserved) heavenly (of sorts) delivery this year.

ppps I think I now prefer the term wiggler. Not sure why but I do like to make the occasional decision.

pppps we should have a whip round for young Dave and send him off to Pleasure Island.. I’m nearly out of razorblades and my ebay account is past overdue (should I worry?).

ppppps I would also like to take the time to apologise to everyone for not selling anything to anybody at any time. However in the spirit of things I am now prepared to offer a set of cardboard beer mats - they are a bit stained and if pressed I would have to label them as ‘thoroughly used'. That aside I am sure that they could be blinged up for slightly less than a small fortune and I here this carbon look is all the rage these days?. Free to me, Free to you! Roll up, roll up, colon and cash removal on route....

[A Yerbury]

Ah Sir Richard, ditto a most unremarkable day...some rather florid language aside -the gits, if they did it the way I said my studio would run like a finely greased ferret as opposed to a tedious pile of designer ceramics and art deco chrome nonsense that I shall only be clear of come beer time tomorrow. Oh, and Dan my young assistant chappie is going to the dentist in the morning, which means I have no-one to growl at, and no...shouting at Jenni Murray on womans hour is not quite the same thing.

Mrs Jennings seems to have contracted bird flu and is consoling herself with a choc ice and Charles Dance, I remain -as always- in very rude good health.

I fear that young Dave may be suffering from melancholy, The Med boys are on standby but too little too late? I have an amusing postcard of an old lady flashing her pants, perhaps this well help lighten the boys spirits? it works for me but then I am barely human and easily pleased.

Yours wishing the world was a bit flatter again.

Ted.x

ps.For sale wise I have a nearly complete set of connect four and a batmobile (Robin sadly not included as he disapeared down the drain during an ill fated abseiling incident in 1981)

ps.Harriet still misses you terribly, the thought of never again feeling your dank, consumptive breath upon her shoulder seems to have brought about one of her funny turns.

[Little Monster]

You have a new plaything and you're shackled. :eek: This isn't one of THOSE sites you know!

Lexy - you have a little slave boy? Fabulous. How could I have missed this. Do you beat him?

Mr S - tips for tomorrow - probably not people to be sharing any funny cigarettes with, don't be giving them any 'looks' and take enough cheese. If they think you're Elvis, just go with it (long story, my friend is a psychiatrist etc)

ps - I was just thinking how Charles Dance does a mean 'look'. Please ask Mrs Jennings if she thought Mr Nemo looks like the lead chappy out of System of a Down. Many thanks.

[A Yerbury]

Mrs Jennings will not allow "System of a Down" to sully her Joni Mitchell and Johnny Cash playing device "I won't have it in the 'ouse!!" she screams, not that she finds these Gothic urchins frightening, oh no! quite the opposite in fact as she prefers Bolt Thrower, Venom, Slayer, Ripchord and The Electro Hippies. Old Skool you see.

ps.Dan is a very nice young "brown boy" so I shall not be making any references to Slavery or beatings. Plus he is a bit bigger than me.

[A Yerbury]

I had a very odd dream this morning? JMO was in there? playing Rodrigo's Concierto de Aranjuez (Adagio naturally) on a flute? well done fella!! that minor REM moment aside today has been a day of battleship grey, for this reason I have been mostly in a sarong, if the world refuses to make the effort I don't see why I should? I am being a bit of a seamstress with a saddle but that filthy talk is not for these hallowed grounds. Much to my surprise I received a nice fat text message from Batty Betty O-D, abusive as usual and as charming as the day is short...I'm sure he could get something done on the NHS along the lines of brain/penis enlargement? he is a grumpy puppy and makes P wibbley look like Ned Flanders.

oops full bladder. must dash.

Yours with an ant-hill stuffed with Y fronts.

Tracy.x

ps.Mrs Jennings is well on the road to domestic servant once more, It transpires that Spanish strength Ibruprophen packs more wallop than a bag of smack. yowza.

pps.long weekend next weekend and I think some of this is in order (very nice venue -real ales, real women- and the people will be there)

http://www.chineseburn.com/index.html

[Little Monster]

Ah, today has on balance been a good day. Was flagging a bit this afternoon so me and worky gals amused ourselves with photo messaging. Nothing racey so don't get giddy. Move along, nothing to see here.

Was entertained this morning in the context of a 'what's good about birthdays' conversation when somebody said "but EVERY day's about me!". They clearly have not yet realised that it's all about ME so I just chuckled.

Got a call on the way home this eve from one of the Sale Widows - apparently we are going to an MTV party this thursday!! Free bar and no doubt a never ending supply of z list celebs to entertain us (there is talk of Jordon and Peter plus OK magazine - fabulous) but also mention of Mylo playing. I will of course refuse to applaud on demand. Now, skinny jeans and heels or tank-girl-esque jeans and cowboy hat? hmmmm. decisions, decisions.

[Richard_S]

Well if one thing is true it is that you do not need eyes to see; It is all about the vision. I tried, and subsequently failed, to inform the common man (Germans included) that the St. George was off, but no one listened/cared/agreed/realised/acknowledged. Having a flavour of the month is all well and good but inconsistency should taste a lot better than that. Still if it looks like pish it probably is, and no-one listens to a man with it all bar the bare essentials. I had a moment with regards to the Pacino SOAW analogy, but did manage to hold back the tears (one tries etc) and left on a fairly proud note. I knew it all already (again) and as a transitory, and general make believe Sophist, I aim my torch westward and continue to bounce awkwardly. Rainbows were out in force earlier, nice touch I thought, but as per usual the ulterior motive lingered like the words of distant idealism.

Baked bean stains (we are not talking Heinz) are one thing but it is not about being an awkward little quack and mixing Walkers ready salted with Cadbury milked buttons. According to the manual the terminology is crucial, "spoilt' being the operative word. I may put my revolutionary hat on and opt for the two single lines through the middle so as be sure that what is done is truly obliterated.

As a final thought I do not encourage the acquisition of dungarees. What happened to the butterflies etc? You may be a knob but I only knob with higher deities and tend to avoid consortiums of the crass. Jarvis ****er took it all to Paris etc

Yours as a man who can string several sentences together, tick all of the required boxes and yet still leave empty handed x

Is rubber a contradiction?. All rights remain reserved (obviously).

Ps I have run red lights and seen a fox so far this eve. I continue to wait for the higher things and incessant finger waggling.

Pps Dorothy (think petite English rose with two too many plums) paints pictures apparently. We had a discussion regarding Goddard (its all about eclectic conversation) but was she was unconvincing and stays out of the history books…..”so how do you know what variety of wine the customer would like?”….”ask them” he said. One would be happier to believe that first nights came with a degree of something terribly unpronounceable, but no, conforming to the notion of an authority in the form of a lamb is clearly to be embraced. If it were up to me I would put them down and wear there coats, but by all accounts it is all just a bit too much effort. Spattering evolution remains elusive for the most part, but I did encounter a part-time Fairy earlier. Left after party food obligatory but the cake is usually off limits. What would the soul return to?

Ppps I spoke to one of the founders earlier who knowingly informed me that I am too young to remember the better days. The world has,however,remained crazy as a constant.

Pppps I am going on a picnic. Not a real one obviously but a foot is a foot.

Ppppps your right ref the triple nine, although as I understand it the SPS SE kit remains unavailable. Nobs knows his toys etc.

Pppppps an IT expo? with IT? at an expo? Pathetic!!

Oh and if push came to shove I would go, blossom and all.
Nonchalance should never to downgraded, regardless of enemy.

I may also become a Magician. Strings, Bows, deep rooted uncertainty but no dead cats. Save me a space, I deserve it x

[A Yerbury]

Sanity at last, 3 at once but the first two were false prophets. I recall that time we climbed The cypress.."the leaves are staring at me!!" you shrieked! and we had to talk you down (both met and lit) Goddard? hopefully it's just a phase, a good phase none the less. It is not as cool as an expo, it is like a "golf sale" but without the plus fours (shame really) so the plan looks like me in Muswell on Friday (drinks with the girls) then cappucinos in Soho on Saturday followed by sushi at the tokyo diner as a pencil marked nice? Jon the boatman is spinning the wheels at the Apple Tree so it will be a moment, hopefully...and yes, we probably could do with some drugs. have a word. And have a word with Nobby, it is my Birthday after all.

Yours with this..."one night, I came home early to find you half undressed, with a man at your feet and an animal at your breast...you just smiled"

the boy's a genius.

Rory.xx

ps.If you are doing drinks after school let me know, I am an expert when it comes to plums.

[A Yerbury]

so thats the plan then, I have some dry-bacon, just please get a gallon of milk. Spoke with Jonny B and it should all be good, there is also a Gram Parsons thing happening in Camden but that is an early finish where as the apple tree is later. Small pepples and flaming piglets hurled towards your windows at 9 oc sharpish, I do not fanny about and I have a list.

Yours doing the box splits, I am a devil in lycra.

tiddles.x

ps.Boris does 160 degrees yes? if parked outside Sadlers Wells we can peer at ballerinas?
pps.Hells bells does have a partner, he has his own business constructing conservatories....honestly...

[Little Monster]

2 recent occasions....

1 - MTV party the other week (Mylo was excellent, too many Hollyoaks 'stars' there!). Saw the littlest woman (well, girl) in the world with the biggest implants! Wearing a cheap version of the dress that shot Kelly Brook (or is it Brock) to fame (the one that cut from the waist and showed her nix.)Obviously by the end of the evening the Sale Widows were having much fun posing for photos in order that I could try and get a surreptitious shot. PS, when she danced and got more drunk you could see she had a brazilian. Oh dear. PPS - I learnt on that night that you can eat too too much sweets when they aren't in a bag and they come round delivered on trays by stylishly dressed waiters

2 - At a seminar the other night. We all had to sit in a big circle. I then spot that a girl sat opposite is not 'sitting properly' to be wearing a skirt. I of course then tell everyone around me. No-one knows where to look etc. It was decided that her legs were fairly and squarely 'akimbo' so I lowered the tone yet further by taking a shot on the old phone. Hardly basic instinct but amused me.

The reasons the upskirts request is only partly fulfilled ..... as i've not posted them here yet. I may do later.

[A Yerbury]

handsome bastard Sellers currently moving closer to town and knee deep in heavyweight (no pictures) literature so off the grid for the moment, according to txt he is still generally loving it. Last weekend a scream despite sleepy ex girlfiends and spilt candle wax (why cry etc) Nobby has been given a proverbial kicking by him upstairs and there was little we could do to enliven the boys spirits...A tidy up? on Saturday night? pathetic..bless.

My mother has set me up with a "nice Indian girl" (mad but smart..just my bloody type) she has a kid but fingers crossed also fluent in Karma wossisnames...watch this space/damp patch.

Raindrops at 90 mph with an open face lid? if you need to know think a years facial acupuncture (in all the wrong places) condensed, stimulating for all the wrong reasons, perhaps now is the time to ditch the bermuda look and give in to the season of mists.

Despite yearning for a more simple me it transpires that I am still a ****y bastard with too big a brain and heart, keep compromising and you end up with sportswear and a funny walk.

Yours with some Stella Mcartney clobber (new) and a pocketfull of secrets.

Mr Bob Dobolina.x

ps.crotch shots please Ms Peggy.
pps.It seems that ****s are out but bastards still hanging in there? strange, dull and true.

[Little Monster]

Raindrops at 90 mph - Ah, but I imagine your skin is as soft as a baby's bottom now. :p

ps - seminar shot is on my moby so can be transmitted by text only (as far as I am aware). It's not really got the zoom you require and really isn't something to see. Like I said, it's not basic instinct. I shall venture to the east wing of the mansion to retrieve the camera to see what I can do with blondie.

pps - keh? are we talking reliable insults here? I always find **** to be most useful and **** is only for when really needed.

[A Yerbury]

I have not felt a babys dairy area recently so I could not possibly comment, Sellers currently lurking in the stairwell, by himself, "a bit like the shining?" I chipped....he laughed (nervously) who knows? we both may end up in Holland this xmas, plato for him, kafka for me tucked up nice with that beer called orangeyboom and ladies of the illest repute. I doubt it though as this yule I have a very big wish list and Mrs Jennings has promised steak and kidney pud -along with the (yawn) obligatory organic goose.

Yours with a matching pair of snowdrops.

Alice.x

[Richard_S]

Dearly Beloved,

I understand that my presence has been missed (understandable, even flesh and blood have there limitations etc) and so I have decided to pop “into town” (on the train no less) to enjoy some expensive coffee (one of those ‘moco-choco-popco / hows ya father / extra cream / latte me up buttercup’ jobbies with extra dumplings and accompanying wild berry coloured sugar sachets), and some seemingly average literature (once ‘foot steps in the dark’ has been published things should improve. I am a VBM man etc).

It is all about sharing the love (a big hairy pussycat at heart etc) and as I currently have no tenants to berate or curse and have no other occupying fools within fifty feet, I thought I would swing on by to see what’s hot, who’s not and whether the world is still an unholy and generally pongee place whilst one is connected.

In the past few days Vanessa25@hotmail.com has sent me no less than thirty six requests, and four heart-felt pleas, to marry her and her best friend, who apparently, is not only a very tidy specimen but a princess of sorts to boot. According to Nessy, who is sixteen in a few weeks (there is a god etc), her country allows a man to have up to, but not including, 9 wives (rough and smooth etc although this nine rule does beg several questions). Never one to rest on anyone’s laurels I have thrown down the international gauntlet and have started to invite suitable applicants. Hopefully you will not write in Capitals and be able to spell Richard correctly (one illiterate school girl is quite enough for any god-fearing man).However as a new member of the Kew Riverside Residents Association (the cheque is in the post etc) I do need to be careful. Keeping up with Mrs. Jones is no small feat from what I have understood thus far, and in this case the lack of hand to razor ‘action’ could play an important role in setting the men apart from the boys. One must remain a surprise throughout.

The move has generally been a success thus far, Nobby doing the driving and Yoda the electrics. I have given the painting a general (and possibly long-term) heave-ho in favour of blowing dragon shaped smoke rings in the bath whilst juggling seedless grapes with my eye-lids (priorities etc). I have nearly mastered the art of the video phone (er hello Mr Sellers, I have some quail for you, its that button there etc) and the veranda has become very useful as a leering post/look out tower thus enabling me to keep the beady ones on the construction terrorists (It is not about drilling any holes at 8am, let alone ones underneath my veranda). Hopefully they will regain the use hands and feet after the yule tide break, I am not a sadist etc.

Young Dave has the hair of an unfortunate but has been on hand to operate the lift and carry my crockery on several occasions. John ‘the foreman’ has been offering me pearls with regard to the inside scoop on the local duck populace and Murray (that’s my ‘pet’ name for him) has been carrying his clipboard around like a true trooper. He is not quite the quintessential ‘wag’ but he does have a good head for hats and some decent spectacles. Nicky, the ‘lifestyle’ consultant and Masseuse, inducted me into the ways of dumbbells yesterday and despite her wonky knee (Girls Beware - Lacrosse can be dangerous) she took my pressure with profound professionalism. The Apex (ow/er/gosh etc) is generally lovely but it is a shame that as the towels have historically gone walkies one must now remember to bring ones own. It appears that thieving bastard syndrome gets everywhere these days, even places where the car parks contain play things the worth of some small countries.

[Richard_S]

Anyway I now have an appointment with a cutie at Foyles (book shop perving is the new crystal meth) and then its back to school for Prof. Grayling and his tales of all things fascinating. Oh and I should be on for half an ounce of Dutch courage later too – if it’s a choice I say abandon the Goose, they are not going anywhere.

Yours with a host of modern buttons, woollen shag pile the shade of ivory, fan tangoed extractor fans and the face of an evolved, and frankly smug, Yeti.

The Riverside Reverend x


Ps I met Graham today, coloured chap with a funny nose, we shook hands and he promised to start delivering my mail from now on. Apparently his ‘boss’ is a bastard and has been instructing him to make paper planes with my copies of ‘country living’ thus far. I have stamped my feet in his general direction (obviously) and been down to the hanger to burn the evidence.

Pps My doors are bigger than yours etc and quite possibly larger than the pearly gates of our father. It is just as well that I am a strapping lad (her words not mine), and despite the lewd winking when presented with the “his and hers’ bathrobes I remained stern and righteous throughout. It is not about uninvited house guests, especially when you have to remind them to remove their shoes.

Ppps Fifteen Latvian grounds men shouldn’t have been wrong. But they were.

Pppps I now have food in all of my cupboards. And a variety of small children -who allows these little bastards into supermarkets?? One chubby little cherub insisted on playing Rambo in one of the chilled isles (I was just after some mature cheddar you understand) during my visit yesterday ; tie wrapped round his head like some kind of deer hunter homage whilst using fished fingers as grenades. I smiled, reminiscing on my youth of craziness, until he caught me on the back of the head. I wouldn’t have minded so much had it not been for the branding. Captain Birdseye is, and will always be a ****.

Ppppps I too once knew an Indian girl, although as far as I am aware she did not have any breastfeeding obligations. These days I save my far reaching multiculturalism for the acquisition of fish and the exploration of butterfly wings. I now have one (a pet with a permit) and his name is Arlo (when you meet him you will understand). He is half orange, half albino and has himself a black dorsal fin. I have never been a ‘once a day’ kind of a chap but I’m sure that as long as he doesn’t die we will get on famously. Everyone needs a fish for a friend etc.

Ciao

Oh and I have 87 coat hangers that are looking for a new home, including a few "Carbon effect" ones. PM me - first come first hung etc.

[A Yerbury]

Mrs Jennings is currently in asia major, she has prior knowledge of the Grayling, he was the Guardians correspondant RE: all things contemplative, and no doubt still is? Whilst the property is still in this twilight zone may I reccomend knocking through to next door(s) and claiming squatter rights? 1 balcony is never enough I find. Managed some petty theft and complaining at Halfords yesterday, at least she knew which cabinet to point at (classic case of perfect legs, shame about the -man- face) I then spoke to acne boy -who was a bit of a scamp! "nice clean air filters then?!" he was eyebrowed 7 times then tried to shake my hand, I had the room hermetically sealed as he seemed to be in the throes of terminal spots..on the knuckles? still, he knew his LED's, which is more than can be said for loon number 3... (this one I realise is only there as part of the "employ a special needs child today for big tax breaks" wheeze. (he is also fat)

The young fool has yet to throw any teen parties, which is a shame as the psychedelic pile is looking rather sorry for itself, he is currently riding the red eye sofa with his friend JB Dubya, a nice kid but I have met bricks with more sparkle..

I am now about to do a tazmanian chef, with Reisling (again) maybe I am a nazi bastard after all?

Yours with a loaded petri dish and some GBH.
Mr Chips.x

ps.try not to kill the clown fish.
pps.I am trying not to kill Grandbags (hot choccy at 10 pm sharp?..yeah right)
ppps.Glad you have finally grappled the demon a la Foyles, you know I make sense ( I also have a schematic of the escalators) me? I'm old skool and fly down the stairs like huggys bear.

[A Yerbury]

Currently plucking a brace of pheasants (pheasant?) to the tune of "bird flu how I adore you" - complete lie...David holmes in fact. There really is nothing like getting down and dirty with a game on type bird. grrr etc.

birds wing,
a perfect thing,
my heart does sing,
...but not that much, as there is very little in the way of meat.

One more piece of redundant beauty? maybe that's the point? transience and all that stuff. Speaking of such matters the old coffin dodger made 4 steps (small for him, mankind was on hold so could not possibly comment..) towards Australia before beckoning his favourite grandson... "your aunt forgot the salad cream!"
(she did) I sorted him out sharpish and made ten mental notes to load Mr Luger should I ever (inevitably) get so...you know. Whats that all about? Crawling whilst a nipper is acceptable but as an exit stage left? Fingers crossed for kryogenic upgrades or a saving the world type scenario (whilst wearing "best shirt")

Yours with gateau for the little one, a bloody knife and some feathers (lots in fact,some no doubt my own)
Mr Fox (Fantastic) x.

ps.In heaven they speak French.
pps.I have some childhood memories in need of untangling, answers on self addressed dove to the usual pit.
ppps.I have cancer.
pppps.not really, just softening you all up.x
ppppps.As regards your current obsession with top trumps (front doors circa early 20th to 21st century) It's all about the view from the drawing room not the girth of the portal "bingo" (ppppppppps our doors are french and close to real fire) on the other hand it is also not about a "room with a view of a speed camera" I love you very very much etc.

[Little Monster]

we both may end up in Holland this xmas, plato for him, kafka for me tucked up nice with that beer called orangeyboom and ladies of the illest repute. I doubt it though as this yule I have a very big wish list and Mrs Jennings has promised steak and kidney pud -along with the (yawn) obligatory organic goose.

Alice.x

I am currently distinctly uninspired by my xmas options. I think you should skip the Holland option Yerblington and do the yule with me and plenty of the finest food and drink.

Yours trying to escape the blandness of reality and tradition x

edit - sorry, scratch that - I shall be running away to join the circus for the festive break

[A Yerbury]

Spoke with handsome bastard Sellers yesterday, he was involved with some form of suede swing and had just murdered a fish, we all need hobbies. I seem to be turning into a robot? not in a cool Gary Numan type of way, all electro and stuff, it's just that these cold days feel like a production line? one that I have been (quite contentedly) plonked on to, without much in the way of "who is steering this crazy vida?" hmmm? perhaps I have been darted by headhunters? This may all be a very low budget dream sequence? This may be robot heaven, and I was a dualit in a previous life?

Still, I had a rather inspired multiple exposure moment earlier, maybe I am worth the money? yes, I am the money and I still have the magic...oh yes.

Yours with bells on.

Horatio.x

[Little Monster]

Surely not THE fish? He's only had him 5 minutes. No, can't be. I had salmon this evening BTW. involved with a suede swing - WTF? sounds kinky if you ask me, not for this site ;)

If you're going to be a robot, I'd go down the Bladerunner route rather than Robocop, just a suggestion. Had a major conveyer belt/robot moment in the Dam at the weekend (it's been brewing for a while) and decided house and money matters need to be sorted then it's relocate and new job next year after some travelling if I find the balls to do it on my own. Check in with me in 6 months, if I'm in Manchester sat at this lap top, please slap me.

I understand HB has been living the high life today and getting paid for it. ****! (not that i'm jealous or anything). I had 3 meetings and delivered training for 2 hours so filled the gaps hiding in pal's offices chatting (discussing important legal matters to anyone walking past).

I haven't had any exposure moments today - far too cold for that sort of thing :eek:

ps - the fish tank in my hotel in the Dam had all the nemo characters in it and more. Worth a look in if you go (especially if a bit merry on the local herbs). Best stocked tank I've ever seen. Lots of colour and even a paisley fish (yes, i said paisley the Prince loving little chump)

pps - Dam again - picked up some 'i can't afford this' underwear which I am suffering guilt over and I can't face looking at my bank balance. It did come in a satin bag tho.

ppps - excellent purchase however was some 40s/50s (I'm not sure) porno cover prints for £30 mounted. Beautiful cartoon babes with the best slogans ever. Will take pics and post on here when I warm up.

[Little Monster]

Which is most gorgeous and why? (Still loving the captions - genius)

ps - babe in box has Yerbittle's eyebrows :eek:

[A Yerbury]

I quite like a wirl of girls, but then a bevie? so much choice, so many women etc.. Yes Richard Underscore has been to Bedford (neither of us knew? near Milton Keans (sp?) -exactly!) playing with Porsches new silly "middle" car, still, as discussed last time in the pub, he may get his 4 wheeled priviledges back soon, which could prove mildly diverting if only to put one in a higher tree than poor Nobby.

Axel.x

ps.think of special underwear as an investment, you pay hit paydirt someday....xyz.

[Little Monster]

ps.think of special underwear as an investment, you may hit paydirt someday....xyz.

Whoah, go easy there.... 'may' and 'someday' eh! Don't make me big headed will you!!!

ps - I do know where Bedford and MK are, but you're really not missing much not knowing. Save the brain cells for something else IMO.

yours with a cat on my lap and a hot water bottle at my feet x

[A Yerbury]

my uncouth twin just quipped yours with a "pussy on my lap and a bottle in my hand" what is he like? I shall send him outside to brush snow from the piglets.

A.x

ps.I hope to be snowed in very soon and will gladly gamble cabin fever for a lie in, it has been a busy week.

[A Yerbury]

Just got in from a drinking establishment, I have decided to learn tap dancing, I think I can already do it...probably, it's the way forward (and a couple of steps sideways)

Yours with showbizz in my throbbing veins.

Fred.xx

ps.Handsome bastard suffocated the fish, I had a csi moment.
pps.the old coffin dodger as nimble as ever coffin nails wise.
ppps.PD the paracetamol are over there.....drink up!
pppps.etc etc :bunny: :bunny: