Motorcycle Ejector Seat…………

[Didge]

In another post, I mentioned to our bionic Gary T, that when my Suzuki was hit by Mrs myopia, the ejector seat worked ok, but as there was no parachute I hit terra firma with a painful jolt, causing much of my injuries. Thus, I would try to design a system of landing based on the ignition of flatus that tends to gush out of one’s botty in a crash situation.
After many hours of study and experimentation, I have come to the conclusion that in a crash situation, one tends to release said flatus in fits and starts, and any ignition of the gas during this time, would definitely result in blowback, causing even more pain and suffering to the rider. In fact, in a worse case scenario, if gas was released in large pockets at once, the rider could well end up hundreds of feet in the air. The parp-parp-parp sound of the flatus burning from that height, could evoke panic in senior citizens, who might think that Germany had started sending Doodlebugs over here again.
Worse still, when the inevitable blowback occurred, it would be raining body parts and faecal matter for miles around.
So, I have come to the conclusion, that some sort of anal regulator needs to be designed, so as to even out the gas flow prior to ignition in the event of a crash.
My main problem, is one of comfort. The regulator obviously has to sit in the anal cavity without causing pain and/or discomfort. At the same time, it cannot be made too comfortable so that it causes pleasure in a homosexual sort of way.
I don’t want to be held responsible for turning thousands of bikers into ‘doe-eyed leather clads’ riding around, waving at each other in a limp-wristed manner, blowing kisses and generally mincing around.
Nor do I wish to see my potential invention being sold in dodgy side street sex shops and similar emporia, to equally dodgy looking men with greased back hair and big moustaches who tend to walk with a strange gait.
So sadly, it seems that my invention will need a little more thought before I can proceed further, as I would wish to be remembered as someone who furthered the cause of safety, not someone who has furthered the cause of the ‘delights’ of a certain type of male ‘bonding’.

[Plum]

Are the days off, stuck in the house getting to you Didge?

You dont need to design an 'anal regulator' because for someone (like yourself) to be able to fart on demand, has the regulator made.

Oh my god, ive gotten involved in a dodgy thread again.......

[Paranoid Dave]

you mean a didgy thread. same thing really

[BoozyBOB]

Didge..
as you are now rapidly becoming the club crash test dummy...have you thought about wearing your rubber suit that is tight at anckles wrists and neck...therefore all gasious emissions would be contained and you would bounce...avoiding said pain...the only flaw, is in the more alarming situations..the build up of botty cushioning may cause a man with your talent to bounce into the next county

just a thought...hope you you can try this theory soon..

mend soon mate..

[Bunny]

:D

http://us.f2.yahoofs.com/users/41d08812zabb90efe/8f6c/__tn_/470a.jpg?phFEZ1CBCDFbJ_VU

:D

[slob]

...have you thought about wearing your rubber suit that is tight at anckles wrists and neck...therefore all gasious emissions would be contained...
One spark and it's all over.

[Didge]

One spark and it's all over.

Thanks Slob, you're on the same track as me.
You see Boozy, that is the main drawback with your idea. All I shall say on the matter is......Hindenburg.

[Pugi]

This thread is a good warning of the unknown dangers of having a crash....what kind of apathy spawned these ideas? :eek:

[Shandy]

You dont need to design an 'anal regulator' because for someone (like yourself) to be able to fart on demand, has the regulator made.



Now thats what you can call a skill for life, ever though about touring with a freak show? If you lit them as well you could really pull a crowd in!

[MilesB]

Now thats what you can call a skill for life, ever though about touring with a freak show? If you lit them as well you could really pull a crowd in!
Nah - your missing the point :rolleyes:

If Didge lit them, then his victims would see them comming :twisted: :eek:

:D :D :D

[Didge]

This thread is a good warning of the unknown dangers of having a crash....what kind of apathy spawned these ideas? :eek:

Pugi, you're new here, so you are forgiven your ignorance on such matters, but believe me, having a crash and/or apathy doesn't come into it.
You'll soon find that some of us talk sh*t constantly.

MilesB, you're quite right in your statement, but then you've seen me go on the attack in 'stealth mode', and the results of said attack, have you not.

[Pugi]

Pugi, you're new here, so you are forgiven your ignorance on such matters, but believe me, having a crash and/or apathy doesn't come into it.
You'll soon find that some of us talk sh*t constantly.

Which might explain why I like this place so much... Never the less you get an A+ for your creative thinking.

[slob]

...ever though about touring with a freak show?
Le Petomane?

[BoozyBOB]

i see the flaw in my thinking now Didge... :o
1 small hole...1 spark....
you could be prepelled clean over the next county.....and land in.... Hampshire.. :eek:

[Didge]

i see the flaw in my thinking now Didge... :o
1 small hole...1 spark....
you could be prepelled clean over the next county.....and land in.... Hampshire.. :eek:

That's right Bob. Right on your own bloody door step. The 'fall-out' would make your home town another Chernobyl. Especially as any thought of flying scares the crap out of me, so I'd be festering for hours after landing.

[gary tompkins]

MilesB, you're quite right in your statement, but then you've seen me go on the attack in 'stealth mode', and the results of said attack, have you not.

Didge,

Have you considered combining a butt plug with one of those party blowers***?

If you left an opening in the back of your strides, a bit like a cat flap... or maybe that should be shat flap? Then punters in the immediate fallout area would get an audible, and also visable warning of impending suffocation when said party blower unfurls from your backside.

Selecting a plug of correct girth should ensure a proper seal, and avoid messy follow-through as well ;)

I really need to stop watching late night Channel 4 documentaries & get out more :rolleyes:

*** could be subsituted for a kettle whistle, but it may confuse the odd sheep dog

[MilesB]

MilesB, you're quite right in your statement, but then you've seen me go on the attack in 'stealth mode', and the results of said attack, have you not.
Not quite - because of the 'stealth mode' I did NOT SEE the attack coming,
just suffered the consequences :eek: :eek: :eek:

My eyes still water at the memory :(

[Didge]

Not quite - because of the 'stealth mode' I did NOT SEE the attack coming,
just suffered the consequences :eek: :eek: :eek:

My eyes still water at the memory :(

What are you moaning for, you survived it didn't you? Think of that poor family who ended up as 'collateral damage'. The two kids will never fully get over it, as it was quite potent if my memory serves me correctly.

[Didge]

Didge,

Have you considered combining a butt plug with one of those party blowers***?

If you left an opening in the back of your strides, a bit like a cat flap... or maybe that should be shat flap? Then punters in the immediate fallout area would get an audible, and also visable warning of impending suffocation when said party blower unfurls from your backside.

Selecting a plug of correct girth should ensure a proper seal, and avoid messy follow-through as well ;)

I really need to stop watching late night Channel 4 documentaries & get out more :rolleyes:

*** could be subsituted for a kettle whistle, but it may confuse the odd sheep dog

Allow me to point out a few flaws with the above ideas Gary.
If I was to do as you say, and stuff a party blower up my shi*ter, the whistle hole would very quickly 'ash up' and block. The pressure build up inside said party blower would then reach critical mass, and it would shoot out of my freckle and erratically fly around the room spraying 'klinker' and putrid gas all over the place. The estimated survival rate in an enclosed space would be roughly 2%.
As for substituting a kettle whistle, any gaylord within close proximity, might think that I'm whistling at them, and I'd end up like the Pied Piper, only it wouldn't be rats following me, but a bunch of flouncing fairys.
You'll be wanting me to stick a air horn up my chocolate starfish next.

[gary tompkins]

You'll be wanting me to stick a air horn up my chocolate starfish next.

Ahh... now there's an idea!

How about a trumpet, trombone, or possibly an oboe - not the pink variety obviously ;)

[Didge]

Ahh... now there's an idea!

How about a trumpet, trombone, or possibly an oboe - not the pink variety obviously ;)

I believe that the latter tends to loosen things up a bit 'down there' over time, and thus one would loose one's ability to 'grip'.
I'm sure that more than a few lavatory cowboys would be able to confirm this.
Are there any 'handbag Nigels' out there who are willing to testify on the destructiveness of the pink oboe/anus interface?