Bombay Bad Boy Blues (Part 1).........

[Didge]

WARNING:- The following true story, contains written accounts that some might find nauseating, and is not for those with a weak disposition or to be read out to old Auntie’s……unless they’re like my old Auntie.

‘Bombay Bad Boy Blues would be the title if it were a song, but it’s not, and should really be titled ‘Bombay Bad Boy Browns’. Allow me to explain.
After reading Paranoid Daves thread concerning the nutritional value of Pot Noodles, the next time I was in the local shop, I purchased one called ‘Bombay Bad Boy’. Little did I realise the full extent of the culinary delight that I was about to endure.
I ate it at mid-day, and boy, was it hot. I suppose the hot sauce provided in the sachet was really a cover-up for the chemical DNA that was so obviously the major ingredient of said Pot Noodle. Anyway, it seemed to fill a hole, but I was to later find out that it was able to fill a lot more than that.
I went to work late afternoon, did the first half of my duty, and got off at Morden for my grub break. Had some dinner, bought a coffee in the staff canteen, and took it outside to have a ciggie.
Now, all that afternoon, my botty had become more and more volcanic, and the gasses produced were becoming more volatile as time went on.
Whilst outside, I was, every few minutes, ‘entertaining’ a couple of work mates with my anal prowess, and emitting gaseous eruptions that would, under normal circumstances, anywhere else, have caused the area to be declared a chemical disaster zone.
It was about 20:00 hrs, only eight hours after eating the above Pot Noodle, when I felt a rumble down below. I was just about to ‘release to atmosphere’, but something didn’t feel quite right, and I brought the emergency procedure into play. That is, I clamped-up tight. I made my excuses, in the most professional and cool-headed manner that I could muster, and made a slightly hurried beeline to the ‘Emergency Chemical Clear-out zone’, commonly known as the bog.
I made it with seconds to spare.

[Didge]

No sooner was I ready, when my rectum reached critical mass, and nuclear meltdown ensued. The sh*t really hit the fan….er…I mean pan, and the entire remains of the above Pot Noodle exited in a eruption not unlike a miniature Mount St. Helens. Not least because, it felt like red hot lava was pouring from my rectum.
I was experiencing both relief and pain at the same time, and I knew that the loud popping noises were the odd haemorrhoid exploding, as the hot slushy Pot Noodle remains heated them to boiling point in a nano-second, causing them to expand and burst. So, some good came of it. I am now free of ‘roids. I would also like to mention at this point, that those like PD, who seem to thrive on a Pot Noodle diet, must have a freckle that is totally devoid of Chalfonts. This may of course, be of some interest to any leather-clad ‘Tail-Gunners’ out there, as they will now look upon Dave and his ilk, in a completely different light, and a possible scource of carnal pleasure. So be weary of who befriends you at the Weekender David.
After the ‘event’, the anus-porcelain interface (bog), looked like a war zone, and the smell was loosening the tiles on the dunny wall.
I recall at that point, the door to the ‘Gents’ being opened, and a croaky sounding voice saying something like “JEEEEEEZUZ WEPT’, followed by the slamming of said door, and the sound of scuttling feet disappearing into the distance. I know it sounds childish, but I have to admit, that even whilst I stood there in the cubicle, surrounded by my sizzling internal organs, I found the poor fellows reaction more than slightly amusing. I fear that I would have shat myself laughing if I hadn’t already cleared myself out a few minutes before.
I eventually walked out of there with a dilated exit hole that felt like it was permanently open by about 3 inches at least, and a bum after-burn that seemed to last at least half-hour.
I have posted this as a warning to all those people, who may fall into the trap of believing PD, that the Pot Noodle is a nutritional delight. It is not!
The Pot Noodle is though, a good form of reverse colonic irrigation, in as much as it will clear out everything in your digestive system, and I mean EVERYTHING, including the top layer of your intestines. It will also remove all trace of the old ‘Farmer Giles’, but will leave your anus flapping around like an old wind-sock on a breezy day.
You have been warned.
A full verbal report, complete with simulated demonstrations, will be given to all those who are interested, in the bar at the Weekender.

[Paranoid Dave]

I do hope you are not blaming me for this Didge. I did indeed post a thread openly discussing the value of 'the noodle' as it's known to its followers but at no point did I suggest anyone else follow my example. I realise I did not put any form of disclaimer on my thread but I felt it was not needed. If I had spoken about sword swallowing I wouldn't expect others to try and follow so I figured the noodle did not need the warning, how wrong I was.

If you are going to give yourself the horn may I suggest you start at the entry level bacon sizzler and later progress to the curry flavour. Only after allowing sufficient time for the body to develop resistance should a Bombay Bad boy be attempted, and as you discovered, certainly not before a work shift!
I know this may sound odd but if you feel the need to try again may I suggest the king size as the sachet of magma enclosed in the pot has more matter to dilute amongst thus making the noodle a touch more subtle on the taste buds and most likely a touch more subtle on your rectum also.

The Bombay Bad Boy is and probably always will be the most vicious pot snack the world has ever seen and should come with a warning on the packet or be sold with a free bottle of domestos aftercare as part of the deal.

Now I'm home from the mill I'm pleased to say my sexuality was never in question, or in danger and I'm every bit the man I was before I left, although I did find a strabge attraction to a man in a black cap.

Thanks for your support of the noodle Didge, initiation into the ways of the bad boy is a tough ritual but worth it, even if only in the short time after consumption before the body goes into meltdown.

[gary tompkins]

SNIP>... the anus-porcelain interface (bog), looked like a war zone, and the smell was loosening the tiles on the dunny wall.

I'm sure we were experiencing some low-level "Bad Boy" fallout at Arrow Mill.

That bout of "crop dusting" you entertained us with in the car park on Sunday evening, is rumoured to have exterminated a flock of sheep in a field 3 miles away! :lol:

[Didge]

Thanks for your support of the noodle Didge, initiation into the ways of the bad boy is a tough ritual but worth it, even if only in the short time after consumption before the body goes into meltdown.

I am in no way, condoning the edibility of the 'Bombay Bad Boy' Pot Noodle. I am instead, going to suggest, that there should be a law making it a legal requirement to sell a roll of Andrex with every pot.
As for it being a "tough ritual", I have passed things worse than that in the past, but I was just trying to warn others with a less strong rectum capability than mine, the dangers therein. For those with less inner strength, would suffer internal implosion within a few hours at least, before defecating the whole of their internals, including the lungs, as a hot lavatorial lava, and if spilt on carpets etc, WOULD be a major scource of house fires.

[Didge]

That bout of "crop dusting" you entertained us with in the car park on Sunday evening, is rumoured to have exterminated a flock of sheep in a field 3 miles away! :lol:

Gary, you must be referring to what is known as Botash. It's a bit like Potash, but has absolutely no benefit whatsoever, other than destroying all life, just like the sheep you speak off. These sheep, will of course, have to be burned and then buried, as they will NOT be sutible for human consumption.
I will apologise for 'ashing' the car park, but be aware, that as long as you scrub the metal parts of your bike thoroughly, within 2 to 3 hours afterwards with carbolic and industrial disinfectant, the 'burn marks' will only be temporary.
There is unfortunatly, nothing that can be done about paint bubbling......sorry!

[norrie]

I only wish it came with two sachets of hot sauce. :twisted:
It does say add to taste. :lol:
I like it hotter than hot. :p

If you cant handle the heat stay out of the kitchen. ;)


Norrie.

[Didge]

I've just bought another 'Bombay Bad Boy', as I feel that a second clear-out is due in the next few days. I feel a little bloated after all that rich food last weekend.
Who's going to Pro-Twins open day on Sunday? Keep your visors closed.

[gary tompkins]

Another Bombay Bad Boy!... Jeez - I'll make sure I'm well downwind of your arse at Pro Twins :eek:

One blast of your intestinal napalm, may finish off my already tired Frank Thomas race leathers :(

[claicerrig]

I wish i had intestines so i could sample this heavenly fodder :lol: :lol:

[Banshee]

I know your probs mate, but do tell what would happen if you had one?

[claicerrig]

Banshee

Dioch am ofyn!! :rolleyes:

Well due to the resistance properties of the new intestinal formation and the lack of elasticity of said body part in allowing a controlled natural GAS release in the normal Didge type fashion :eek:

The resulting vent of these GASSES would result in something resembling the character from the film "Meaning of Life" WHO ate just a little bit more chocolate

or

If allowed an atmospheric release with the anus-porcelain interface (bog), (i like that term Didge :) ) The caustic nature of the resultant residue would severely burn the newly formed skin in a manner that causes EXCRUCIATING PAIN and would render me incapable of riding Altered Carbon :( in the manner it has become accustomed too

Hope this ans your little querey

Clai :p :p