Dr Didge....Dr DIDGE!!

[SteveSki]

You may remember me from the advice you gave me a while back about trying to find true love but with great concern about a building flatulence problem?

Well I think my problem's evolving and I need further assistance......

It seems lately that my gaseous build-up has gone to the next level..I can actually feel the build-up being created and though I seem to be able to flex my internal organs so I can direct the pugnent fumes direct to the exhaust outlet, i'm getting more of a bang than anything tunefull.....now admitidly it's a bonus I can control the ammounting pressure but i'd prefer a more musical tone..........as I was laying in bed just the other night with my back turned towards a fair maiden when I felt the familar rumble........so I braced myself and let my hiroshima go, the force of which, was enough to wake said maiden with a rather violent start....

She does not mind that I have such a toxic gut, but more to the fact she'd like a more silent approach or at least something that doesn't sound like a monster truck back-firing.....

Is there some sort of muffler technique you can tell me about? or is it just hard work at controlling my sphincter muscles??

Any imediate help would be greatly appreciated for the weekend....... :eek:

You ever learning grasshopper.....

[Didge]

Ah, Steve. Yes I seem to recall your case fairly well, and seeing as you've now found yourself a young lady, (and one with a naturally strong resistance to flatus to boot), it seems my past advise was helpful to you.
Now, as I understand it, this new problem of yours, is not so much the emittence of gas, it's just that you'd like to control the sound.
Well, the first thing to do, is ensure that your ring is one of confidence. That is, is it tight. If so, then we are halfway to curing your control problem, but if it flaps around wetly like that of a practising prison-bitch at 'Wormwood Scrubs', then our chances of success will be limited. But I am going to assume that your not-so-musical outlet is in good health, and is as tight as a gnats chuff under normal circumstances.
Volume is very easy to control, as it's just a case of how forceful (or not), you are at pushing the gas through the anal diaphragm.
A more musical sound though, is a little harder to control, but follow these basic steps, and you will start off down the road to a more tuneful farty future.

1) The classic stance of standing up, slightly bent at the waist, and with one leg slightly raised from the ground, will almost always result in a wonderful note. It also benefits from being very easy to control the flow pressure, that is the volume, from this position, and one can easily stop and start at will, resulting in a beautiful staccato sound. The pitch tends to be about middle ‘C’ and can be wondrous for the ear to behold, but not so for the sense of smell of course.

2) If one feels the need to be ‘musical’ whilst lying down in bed, then the following is the only option.
This method requires that you are either naked, or your daks are pulled down from your crevice. Lay on your side, facing your beloved, and stick your anal trumpet out of the duvet. Draw up both legs, bend at the waist and push hard. This will create a loud fart that is raspy, but at the same time very pleasurable to the creator, in both pressure release and sound. Although not quite as musical as the above method, if done correctly, I guarantee that the sound will cause you much amusement, and you may find it hard to go back to sleep for a while because you will be crying with laughter. Your partner may not be quite as amused as your good self, but she will be rendered almost silent by the volume and pitch that has assailed the bedroom. Having your vocal rectum pointing away from the love of your life, also means that if you ‘cough one up’ (that is accidentally sh*t yourself in the process), it is flung on the carpet, and not into the small of your partners back, with all the resulting wailing etc that would follow said follow through.

3) If all else fails, I can only recommend that you shove a kazoo up your ar*e. Now that WOULD produce some interesting notes, but would not be easy to keep clean I think.

The best thing to do, is practice, practice, practice, as like any other pastime/hobby, one can only get better.
Please be aware, that the wearing of tightly gusseted undergarments is to be avoided, unless one needs to mute the sound from ones neighbours whilst practising.
Dr. Didge

[Melnie Mouse]

My god reading that, that is so hilarious.. is this for real?

[SteveSki]

Dear Dr Didge......

Alas the lady is no more......wether it was due to my over powering flatulence or due to the fact I couldn't produce a tolerable note, it is over.
However I will not give up on tuning my rectum........I'll just have to make it acceptable for the next impressionable female.....

My ring is in perfect health (even though it may not smell that way) so I will attempt a more controled release. Should I attemping this still facing the carpet? I know I haven't a target anymore but who wants to sleep in there own......moistakes? Would another option be to tense the cheeks, not to cut off all venting, and try to parp it out that way? or would I be inviting severe cramping if the strain/sqeeze action goes wrong?

Also if I have a higher carb diet, will this have an effect of type of gas released? i.e lighter fumes meaning higher notes? or am I simply trying to nail sh*t to a wall?

I will continue to practice untill I use up all stored gas's......I will not submit for sore ring or 'coughing one up'......I am a bit concerned about the second approach.....the legs raised technique sounds a little too acrabatic? But you have not let me down with advice before so I will take a leaf, and practise practise practise.

I thank you for your continuing help......I just hope my cause is not a complete loss.....

GH

ps....MM.........this is a very sore subject for me....

[Didge]

My god reading that, that is so hilarious.. is this for real?

Of course it's for real Mel. Poor SteveSki is finding it hard to have any meaningful relationship with women, because of his inability to control his freckle and the sounds that emit from it. So in desparation, he has turned to a pro (me) for help.
I don't find it amuseing that this poor man is suffering because of a handicap 'down there'. We should all be pitying him, not laughing at him.
Is it any wonder that he turns to the only one in the club who understands his problems, when everyone else just mocks at his feeble attempts to emit a manly and tuneful note from his rear trumpet.

[Didge]

Dear Dr Didge......

Alas the lady is no more......wether it was due to my over powering flatulence or due to the fact I couldn't produce a tolerable note, it is over.
However I will not give up on tuning my rectum........I'll just have to make it acceptable for the next impressionable female....
I'm truly sorry to hear of yet another lost love, but she obviously was not for you. If hers was a true love, the odd bum-note would not have mattered to her.

My ring is in perfect health (even though it may not smell that way) so I will attempt a more controled release. Should I attemping this still facing the carpet? I know I haven't a target anymore but who wants to sleep in there own......moistakes? Would another option be to tense the cheeks, not to cut off all venting, and try to parp it out that way? or would I be inviting severe cramping if the strain/sqeeze action goes wrong?....
By all means do still face the carpet, as in case of an accident, slinging mud in the bed, is not good. Ever heard the phrase 'Stuck like sh*t to a blanket'? There has never been a truer sentance.
Just try to learn to purse your ring like your lips. Puckering-up can lead to some beautiful notes, but can lead to follow-thru's if one tries too hard.

Also if I have a higher carb diet, will this have an effect of type of gas released? i.e lighter fumes meaning higher notes? or am I simply trying to nail sh*t to a wall?....
A lighter fume will not mean a higher pitch, this can only be created by a tight puckering. Deep bass notes are created by slackening one's ring. This is often confused by the ignorant as the sound emitted by a 'high milage' gaylord, but what do they know.

I will continue to practice untill I use up all stored gas's......I will not submit for sore ring or 'coughing one up'......I am a bit concerned about the second approach.....the legs raised technique sounds a little too acrabatic? But you have not let me down with advice before so I will take a leaf, and practise practise practise.....
Good man. Practise is the only way to having a ring of confidence

[benson]

Gentlemen and gentlewomen for that matter - what a truly educational web site we have here. :cool: As I type I have been myself trying to re-create some of those simply stunning, nay, Dr Who/Didge like effects so selflessly shared by our own Master of the Winds :lol:

However, my skills in this area are not even within trumpeting distance and I'm afraid I am only to upset the cat, in fact move her by a few inches, but I too will keep practising, rings of confidence unite.... :D

:rolleyes:

[Didge]

Gentlemen and gentlewomen for that matter - what a truly educational web site we have here. :cool: As I type I have been myself trying to re-create some of those simply stunning, nay, Dr Who/Didge like effects so selflessly shared by our own Master of the Winds :lol:

However, my skills in this area are not even within trumpeting distance and I'm afraid I am only to upset the cat, in fact move her by a few inches, but I too will keep practising, rings of confidence unite.... :D

:rolleyes:

Move the cat by a few inches? I can move a whole room full of people clear to the other side of the building, and I can laugh heartily whilst doing it, usually without sh*tting myself.